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So I finally started writing my novel, and I wanted to know if my character is a good character, and if I describe him accurately in the story. The snippet I'm providing is from the middle to nearly the end of chapter one, and it's the first draft.
“No, Victor, you can’t come with. I’m too afraid you’re going to sneak something like a paintball gun in the car and shoot pedestrians,” Alex explained, trying her hardest not to smile. Victor laughed, his dark brown curls falling in front of his eyes.
“I would never do that,” he said. “And besides, there’s no way I’d be able to sneak a fucking–”
“Language,” Alex warned,
“A… fracking paintball gun into your car. You’d know. I can’t really hide it.”
“Yeah, well you know what I mean. You’re too immature to go out without mom and dad.” Victor pouted, then dropped to his knees and looked up at her, making puppy dog eyes and putting his hands together. Alex just rolled her eyes and turned around to get in the passenger seat of the car. “And I’m not sure I can trust that Daniel won’t encourage you do stupid things.”
“You wound me!” Daniel said with a gasp, his hands flying up to his chest. Alex suppressed a laugh, but couldn’t help the smile that took over her expression. Daniel smiled back and turned the key in the ignition.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“Shouldn’t your parents be here by now?” Daniel questioned, looking concerned. Alex just nodded, shivering as a gust of cold wind rushed over her skin. They were both stuck in the empty mall parking lot, freezing cold and exhausted.
“Yeah, they should’ve been here two hours ago, actually,” she said, slightly worried. The night was eerily quiet. There were no cars around, which was strange for a Saturday night. It was also cold. Way too cold for the beginning of July, even if it was nighttime. Alex could see her breath in front of her.
“Is it just me, or is this a little weird?” She asked, turning toward Daniel. His brow was furrowed, and he nodded. Alex rubbed her arms and leaned against him, trying to keep warm in a thin hoodie and jeans. A strong gust of wind made her stumble a bit, and she cursed.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to just drive you home?” He asked, putting an arm around her. Alex tensed a bit, and one of her hands flew to her hair, where she fiddled with the ends. A couple of hours ago, her parents had called her saying that they were on their way to pick her up immediately, and that she needed to wait in the parking lot for them. They wouldn’t have done that if something important hadn’t happened.
“Yeah, maybe. They might’ve broken down though, so drive slowly just in case we pass them on the way home.” Daniel nodded, and they made their way toward his car quickly, where Samara had been waiting for them. Alex could see her blood red lipstick from yards away. Her tan face was illuminated by the blue light from her cell phone. Soft music drifted from the car, and Samara swayed slowly to it, like she always does when there’s music playing. Even if there isn’t any music playing, she’ll be nodding her head or swaying, seeming to dance to the sound of her own heartbeat. Alex admired that.
They arrived at the car doors, and Samara looked up from her phone. “Finally, you guys are here. I’ve been waiting for two hours,” she complained, turning her music down slightly. Alex rolled her eyes.
“Yeah, so have we. We’re not too happy about it either,” she responded, climbing into the back seat of the car. Daniel got in the front and started the car, but didn’t pull out of the parking lot right away. Instead, he sat with the car in drive and listened to the engine hum. The two girls didn’t even question it. It happens sometimes, when he’s confused or upset. He’ll sit somewhere and listen to a noise that’s quiet and consistent, just to get himself together before he speaks.
Moments passed before he finally did.
“Does something seem… off?” He asked, his voice quiet and hesitant. The girls stayed quiet, not wanting to answer that question, because something did seem off. The town was dark and way too quiet. It was as if time had stopped, and the three teenagers were left stranded in an unfamiliar abyss.
Even though nobody had answered, Daniel took in a deep breath and left the parking lot. Alex stared out the window, focusing on searching for her parents or their car stranded on the side of the rode, and Samara put her earbuds in. They both wanted to avoid the tension that hung in the air like thick fog.
After about ten minutes of uncomfortable silence, they began to hear noises in the distance. It sounded as if there were many people arguing. Shouts echoed through the air. It grabbed the attention of the three teenagers.
“Is that coming from my house?” Alex asked, worry in her voice.
“I don’t know, maybe. We’ll be there soon,” Daniel said, trying to comfort her. He put a bit more pressure on the gas pedal, and the car sped up.
“Drive faster,” Alex demanded, leaning forward to see out of the windshield better. Daniel glanced at her, his brow furrowed. The speed of his driving didn’t change.
“Alex, I’m already going 65-”
“I said drive faster.” She didn’t even look at him. Her gaze was focused, and her tone was almost venomous. Daniel tensed, and he went over the speed limit, but only slightly. He didn’t want to break the law, but the look on Alex’s face scared him. He hardly ever sees her like that– stone cold and unyielding– but he knew that it meant she was terrified.
The shouting was getting closer by the second, and the turn for Alex’s street was coming up. Daniel eased the pressure on the pedal so that he wouldn’t roll the car when he turned. His grip tightened on the wheel when he started to hear screaming.
Something was definitely off.
Daniel turned his blinker on and slowed the car. Time seemed to slow with it, like they had entered some sort of alternate reality, where seconds passed slowly and lazily. Alex’s heart rate slowed and she took a deep, focused breath. She felt electricity surge through the air, shooting through her bones and concentrating at her core. Alex held her breath for time, letting the noise from the outside world fade away until all she could hear was her own heartbeat, and the sound of blood rushing through her body. She finally let her breath out.
A blinding flash followed, and Alex felt like her very existence was being torn to shreds. Everything in her was screaming in pain as agony laced through her, touching every area of her physical self and causing pain in places that she didn’t know could feel pain.
It was over before she could get a grasp on what was happening, and she was back in reality, staring up at the stars and gasping for air. Her mouth was dry, and her skin glistened with sweat as she tried to collect herself.
With a strangled cry, she pulled herself to her feet and took in her surroundings. Alex was no longer in Daniel’s car. She was in front of her house, standing on a lawn that was slick with fresh blood. The world was silent and unmoving. There hundreds of people surrounded her, but none of them were moving. They were perfectly frozen. Some of them were in fighting stances, others on the verge of collapse, but most were slashing each other with swords, leaving thick sheets of blood hanging in mid air.
Alex felt pressure building in her head, and she laughed softly. “This isn’t real,” she said, letting herself smile. Her hand reached out to touch the blood in the air. It collapsed onto her hand, flowing quickly and beautifully down her arm, like a stream. She laughed again. “I’m dreaming. I must’ve fallen asleep in the car, or at the mall.” More pressure built up, and her throat began to tighten. Alex turned toward the road, seeing car parts strewn across the asphalt, and more red liquid to go with it. A teenage boy with blonde hair was splayed out on the street. His limbs didn’t look like they should. They were all twisted out of place and bent at angles that they’re not supposed to bend at. His head wasn’t exactly head shaped anymore, it was like a cracked egg. Alex laughed again.
