forum Critique MC?

Started May 29, 2019 by Deleted user

tune

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Hello! I feel like this is loooong overdue but I just updated my MC, Metaphorical, and I'd like someone to look over him and give critiques.

Thankssss

• I really like his appearance!
• I find it a very, very bold move to write a main character with BPD: sympathizing with a character who is manipulative through their fear of abandonment (even leading into narcissism, sometimes!) – and who probably has unstable relationships along with (because of?) extreme mood swings – may be difficult for a LOT of readers, espECIALLY if they are unable to pin-point the fact that these qualities are tied-in with a mental illness (and BPD isn't exactly mainstream, either). On the other hand there's a lot of unpredictability, which people like! Would be very intrigued to see how you develop him in that area.
• Interesting about the ableism/mentalism: is he undiagnosed, as in he's unaware that he has BPD? Or is he someone who may have an inkling, but refuses to believe that something is "wrong" with him, because "I'm not crazy! I'm not like that!"? Either way, maybe elaborate on that in flaws, that you've already hinted at with the "self-judgmental"! But things like "hypocritical", "fearful", "insecure", "afraid of showing or even admitting weakness" come to mind.
• Along the same lines, how do you "accidentally" look down on someone? Surely he's consciously aware of discriminating, and could stop if he chose to re-examine his views, but he doesn't.
• "It mostly comes out of no where, considering shy M doesn't seem like the type." This is interesting! I'm curious, however, if maybe this garners him a reputation? Because in general, word gets around that someone is manipulative, they will be labeled a "backstabber" or a "control-freak"; if he's manipulative in a more subtle manner, people will often not realize they're being manipulated (and this is usually how manipulation works btw), in which case there would be no reaction of "oh but you're so shy usually!! and now you're manipulative". Be clearer.
• In general I think there's a lack of cohesiveness with the "extreme mood swings" and "shyness", the latter which you equate with quietness, when they are not always the same thing. You can be shy and emotional, but to be someone who "can fly off the handle at any moment" generally creates a nervous energy, and up-tightness or a wound-upness, and being someone who reacts strongly is generally not something a shy person does: a shy person will keep their feelings to themselves, get angry but inwards, whereas Met seems the type to lash out. If you mean that he's introverted, or prefers to keep to himself, put that instead. ((Add-on upon proofreading: "shyness" rarely goes fluidly with "ambitious", so another juxtaposition to examine.))
• Specify "good intentions".
• A definition for Conservative I found: "a person who is averse to change and holds to traditional values and attitudes, typically in relation to politics." Wouldn't he be supportive of the monarchy, especially if he's a multi-millionaire like you mentioned who most definitely benefits from the system? A little contradictory.
• Mm, childhood abandonment AND being victim to physical, mental and sexual abuse can definitely all attribute to the development of BPD. How did he get involved with a woman in middle college when he was nursing a "big crush" on Xanthe? If he was searching to get over her by starting another relationship, note that down.
• "approached a professor of M's […] telling them of what the mental abuse was. There were threats of getting him kicked out of the Criminal Justice units critical for his graduation. Met sobered up and broke up with his girlfriend promptly, after having a chat with his professor as to why. He was distanced from Xanthe once he learned it was her who almost cost him an entire lifetime of success." <– I'm afraid this doesn't make sense to me?? WHy would having an abusive girlfriend, him being a VICTIM, cost him his career?? Maybe I'm missing something???
• Okay, so you have a good general background, and good basics, and certain parts that are elaborated but others not so much. I have a hard time actually visualizing Met, not physically but mentally: you can say he has BPD, you can say he's "shy", you can say he's ambitious, but this still needs to be shown: elaborate and develop these traits, add limits, include examples. Your mannerisms, for example, are a good example of what to strive for in other categories as well, though here too you can add some things. Really PERSONALIZE Met, in a way that he will be unique even if you strip away the title of "God" and "multi-millionaire", labels that don't really say anything about a person. Also kudos on the worldbuilding, you've clearly got it well figured out and developed :)
  I think it's very, very important to develop the BPD correctly, especially because representation of mentally ill characters is such a touchy subject, but otherwise you're on the right track, just work out the contradictions! Good luck :)

Hi Emi! What a great character. I shall be honored to critique him.

Overview
Metaphorical Whembrooke is such a strange but eye-catching name. It establishes right off the bat that this universe is ~different~ than ours, giving it a sense of otherworldiness and mystery. That's cool. I like that a lot.

Looks
I don't often critique looks because it's the least important/interesting part of a character, but I thought I'd comment on one thing: Where did his scars come from? Is it the abusive girlfriend? What did she use to create actual scars that don't fade away? How badly was he injured? Where are the scars mostly located? Other than that, his appearance is pretty standard for an anti-hero (Loki, Snape, L from Death Note all look slightly similar to M), which is fine.

Nature
For conditions, maybe elaborate a bit more. How does BPD effect his every day interactions and life? When does he often get distracted? What is he like on his good days? What is he like on his bad days? What typically makes him fly off the handle? Is it random? What does he do when he flies off the handle? Is he violent, loud, weepy? For mannerisms, you could include a few more physical ones. Since he's so tall but likes to fade into the background, does he hunch his shoulders and cross his arms to make himself look smaller? Does he look people in the eyes, or look away? Any nervous ticks? Physical mannerisms are a fun way to humanize a character and make them unique, so don't forget them! For his motivations, what caused him to be so driven and analytical of himself? His backstory doesn't quite explain his motivation, so be sure to clarify there. For flaws, I'd recommend adding a few more and expanding on them. Go into detail about when his flaws are most annoying/self-sabotaging, tell us how people react to him, tell us how he's toxic and what he does wrong. Spare no detail! I really dig the prejudice. It fits in to his theme of self-analysis and self-hatred (?). It makes sense to me that he hates other people who are like him because he holds himself to such a high standard, so kudos. For his talents, how'd he get that ability if he likes to fade into the background? Did he actively cultivate that skill, knowing he wasn't the most personable? Or is it kind of random, a trace of a role model that imprinted on his personality? And is that his only talent? On that vein, I'd give him a few more hobbies as well. Hobbies and mannerisms are some of the best, most underappreciated forms of characterization imo. I'd add a good bit more to his personality type. Take this opportunity to really describe him. Give it a good paragraph of just straight up description: what is he like normally, around people he trusts? Does he trust easily? What's he like when he's happy, sad, embarrassed, angry? What's he like when he doesn't like someone? What is he like when he's working? Just really add in allllll the details. Get to know him, he seems cool.

Social
For his religion, when you say none, do you mean not applicable to the universe, or that he's an atheist? I'm thinking it's just not applicable, so in that case maybe put N/A…but honestly, this is me nit-picking, never mind. For politics, do you mean Republican? Because conservatives are just traditional. Why does he have those views, anyway? Just a random thought. Another random thought: I love that he loves cats. In fact, I love all his "favorites". It's cute and helps humanize him.

History
You clearly have a strong grasp of his universe and his backstory. I love that. However, I am confused about the whole "having an abusive girlfriend will get him kicked out of college" thing? Shouldn't the girlfriend be kicked out? Why would that drive a wedge between his and Xanthe's relationship? Wouldn't he be kinda grateful, even begrudgingly? Or does he think its jealousy? I'm thinking you have a clear view of what happened, but it doesn't quite make sense to this outside reader. Anyway, other than that tiny detail, the backstory is awesome, I'm really interested.

Overall
Splendid character! He's got all the makings of an insanely interesting protagonist. All he needs is more details, really. You have mostly everything. He's a truly developed character and I think he'd make a great main character, plus his universe seems really cool, so there's that. Well done and good luck!

Oh my okay

Thank you so much! I knew there was something off about his nature and the coherence (insert any other stupid excuse I have blah blah blah). I've had M up on my profile literally as my first character and haven't really touched on him since.

And by the way, I write M a looooooot better than what I describe him (nature-wise) in his template because i suck at templates I have a better idea for what I want him to be. Do I want him to be over analyzing of everything? Do I want him to be a shy boi? Idk! Lmao. But there's my excuse for that.

And THANK YOU SO MUCH @Kaloobia for the advice on BPD. I love the manipulation linked to his shyness aspect and I will be changing that straight away to one of his flaws!

and please forgive me on the politics I kinda suck at those lol. Yes, conservatives would indeed support a monarchy and I need to change that to libertarian, right? That's right??

For the bit about Xanthe approaching a professor, I had to have something go between them before they went off to actually make another Universe (technically ours lmao but it's a long story) and have this hostility between formerly good friends. Also for the abusive relationship (I know this isn't realistic at all) but M just wanted to find someone to come home to after a long day. (Hope that clears up stuff? Shows more of my stupidity? Idk)

Hahhahaha speaking of L from Deathnote, that's actually where M came from. My friend pushed me to add a character to our roster (he came from an RP from ours) and I hastily had to change him to be different from said detective as M became a main character along with Neo (his twin).

awe yis thank you so much. Also if you guys would like to critique Neophyte, his twin, I would absolutely love that.

now that you mention it
yes he reminds me of L
and I love that!!!!
btw i think the abusive relationship makes sense i was just confused as to why the professor was going to kick M out for being abused?

Oh honestly I don't know. I'll change that to still have her inform like, a policeman or something.

oh oh i know
you could have Xanthe report the abusive gf to the police, but the gf spins it to make the police think M was abusing her!
then M has to salvage his reputation
and he gets angry at Xanthe for almost getting him kicked out even though she was trying to help

O0O I LOVE IT!

Done!

I updated him the best I could to your guys' critiques, do tell me what I can fix!

i love him! the backstory makes 1000% more sense now

Dude omg everything is so much more developed! Much better, good job :) He's so much more believable, from the personality aspect especially. A very good detail about getting drunk on bad days, that is a solid coping mechanism and detail and MAKES SENSE. He just makes more sense now, kudos. :)