forum Critique for a Critique?

Started October 09, 2019 by @Fangirl616 group

tune

Basically, you critique one of my characters (please do a fleshed out one like Marcus or Zenith), and in exchange, I'll critique one of yours!

I'm sorry, I can't reach that site. Could you give me one on Notebook.ai?

Oof that's fine, I'll just have to put Lily On Notebook OOf

(o henlo, mind if i step in? This is my boyo Virion. Who do you want me to look at? q3q

@Kinarymo

Okay, first off: What does neutral antagonist mean? Is he a villain or is he not?

Night/Moon elf? Is he a crossbreed, or…? And what is a night elf? What is a moon elf?

You keep mentioning his job, but all it says is 'Informant'. What's that?

Why does too much eye contact make him look creepy? Is it the orange eyes? What's the difference between that and normal extensive eye contact?

Why does he like dangerous things? For the thrill, or a secret, suppressed desire to die?

Why sharks and snakes? What makes him like those? Is it the teeth? And why can't he pick one? Is the snake love because of Hiryur?

How can he become invisible at night? Is this an elven trait, or an inherent magic ability?

… someone doesn't 'get through' aromantic nature. He can think he's aromantic and discover he's not, or be aromantic and not fall in love with Hiryur.

And could you critique Marcus?

@Fangirl616
Moon or night elves are a subspecies of elf that are usually nocturnal or more efficient at night. The job is what it says, he gathers information and sells it. Being stared at is creepy in general >.> You do have a point about dangerous things, i'll try fix that. Is it impossible to have more than one fav animal? But ye, he likes them because they are dangerous and unpredictable. Invisibility is an elven trait. And when i said "get through" his aromantic nature, i meant it as in Hiryur getting to him, not Virion getting over his aromantic tendency.

Aight, regarding Marcus
Personality wise, he's okay, though you could expand more, like how is he towards his fiance?

Experimenting is his only hobby? Hobbies are stuff you do to relax and usually people have more than one. Does he like experimenting so much that its become an obsession and he doesn't do anything anything else?

So he's selfish and sorta greedy. Dehumanizing anything created in a lab - pretty good flaws though you could add more.

More mannerisms! Describe more of his body language. Does he have any nervous ticks? How does he behave when neutral? Or sad or happy or irritated, etc? There's so much you could put here

His background could use more detail, what you have there is like a summed up summary.

He's pretty good overall, but he could use more detailing.
Thx for the critique o3o

I've never felt confident with this description of Avia, so I'm hoping I can improve it. I've never critiqued someone's work before as I'm worried that I'm being mean or something. However, I've decided I'll give it a go xx

Okay, so on Avia:

Why does she have so many names? Were they nicknamed by one person, or multiple?

What is the Facility? Why was she mutated there?

So if she doesn't have a religion, is she just an atheist?

Is her sarcasm a defense mechanism? And if so, is she really broken inside? If she is, try to go more into that and share her trauma more.

Why does she flirt? Is it just an automatic thing she doesn't think about, or a desire for someone to care about her?

Once again: TRAUMA. From what I've read, she's most likely horribly traumatized, and most likely has PTSD or depression. Go into that.

If she's such a great hacker, why can't she find anything about her aunt and uncle online that could lead her to finding them? Is it from lack of time, or is there someone better at hacking than her keeping things secret.

That's all I can really think of. She seems really cool! I wish you luck writing!

And could you critique Zenith?

Zenith:

Important facts: First off, made me chuckle. However, maybe add more to this section. He seems to be a very complex/important character so there might be a lot of information about him to write down. Eg: What are some crucial facts which make up his character?

Fears- Try to elaborate on fears. Although I have an inkling on why he's afraid of these places, I don't have any insight on what the main horrific qualities were. Did they abuse him? Torture him, and if so, in what way? Did they make him do things? Fears are very intricate things and have many layers. Don't be afraid to really venture through them.

His D&D traits look good but they clash with some of his explanations in later sections. EG: You said he isn't very intelligent when it comes to maths etc but he's able to do mechanical engineering to make bombs? You described him in nature as "very intelligent" as well. Maybe you could say the lab educated him in these areas of science or implanted knowledge. It just seems to clash a bit, other than that. It's fine.
His wisdom is very strong when it comes to insight, but is he wise in any other places? for example, have any experiences he's had taught him valuable advice? Also, for charisma, this can also entail an understanding of people too. Usually, those with high charisma have knowledge of sociology or psychology. This can lead to intelligence. He might not be academically intelligent but what about socially, emotionally? Or has his traumatic past stunted his ability to understand people?

Disorders - awwww poor kid. His brain really seems (pardon my french) fucked up. Then again, is there a reason why it's these disorders? Why does his depression come about? Does he hate life, himself, is everything a struggle? Also, is he suicidal? His self harming habit really seems to be like that. I'm also wondering whether he feels pain. Ripping out his organs would not only be agonising to the point of fatal but it would shock the body and cause multiple systems to fail. How has his biology been modified so he doesn't just shut down? Could you make it that his nerve endings have been severed or nulled to the point where he can't feel pain?

Another thing which I believe will really help not only my but your understanding of Zenith is if you really try and figure out an origin. Him being spawned in a lab is a brilliant start, but other than that, what happened then? How did he escape? What was life like in there? If you elaborate on all these things, you'll see other attributes being added to as well. (Such as his mental health, personality and overall foundations of character.) I'm a big fan of his background, and that's why more of it would be splendid.

Little points:

-Why does he want to protect Jayden? Who is he? (Can be added to background)

-By the way you've described him with his favourite weapon being nuking, very cocky personality and wanting to ignite anarchy, he sounds more borderline neutral /chaotic evil than chaotic neutral. Maybe either add some balancing traits or just embrace the chaos he adores.

-The last thing, nothing to do with character, but I found a typo in his character section. You've written "shorts of brain disorders". Just thought I'd point that out to you xXX

That's my critique of Zenith. Overall, he's a beautiful character and I'm very fond of his story. I can see how much he means to you so that's why I went into so much detail to get him the best he can be. I'm so sorry if I was too harsh as I usually feel like I am when doing this sort of thing. Most of all, I hope I was of help.
XXXXX

Also, thank you so much for Avia's critique. I've never been confident with her explanation and will apply your advice soon XXX
Her trauma is very difficult to summarise and apply so you have a strong criticism there, thank you xx

Thank you! I'll work on those things!

Hi I’d like to jump on this please. You’ve gotten some critiques already but if you want to some second opinions I’m up for it lol. This is my smol child Marshall: Invalid Character
I want to just say beforehand that a) I would have more articles linked but I don’t have all of them done yet and b) don’t mind that one of the artworks is a Snapchat even though the story is set in 2006 its just for fun lol

Would you prefer a certain character critiqued?

Ok. Lets get this ball rolling.

Why 16-17? Is there a reason for that?

Skin tone is fair, is it pale or tan? There's lots of range in there. You could be more detailed.

You say she's paranoid. This is an actual mental illness where you think the government is always after you. Does she have that? If not, I recommend you pick another word.

Is there a reason bears are her favorite animal? Some past experience at a zoo, perhaps?

Overall, you could add a lot more information to her. Details are everything. Judging by the number of theme songs, you know a lot about her. You just need to put it on paper. (Online? But paper sounds better….)

And could you critique Zenith?

Okay thanks! I’ll see that into consideration. And the reason for 16-17 is that she turns 17 part of the way through the story but she’s 16 for a lot of the story too. A lot of the other things are just what I feel like she’d be like idk. She’s not super fleshed out.

Okay as for Zenith (I’m gonna try to keep this 50/50 positive and negative or else I’m gonna feel bad whoops):

First off, backstory is pretty sound. Nothing really to say there.

About his mental state: That’s a lot mate. Nothing wrong with that for a character though. It helps to get a good understanding of aspects of someone’s personality. I like that the symptoms of the illnesses are shown through the rest of the character’s personality.

So why exactly is he “very much human?” If he was built to be a certain way, what happened so that he didn’t turn out that way? I think this is an important things to have in the backstory of your character, or something to think about. Not everything needs to have a reason in my opinion but that’s a pretty important thing, I’d say.

Another thing: You list Marcus Jones as a “father.” If Zenith was made in a lab, how would he have a father figure? Is he only similar to a father figure in his relationship to Zenith? Is he the scientist that created him? Was Zenith born to human parents and then taken away to be experimented on?

I think that even though the background plot is fairly sound, the above paragraph confused me as did the whole black market thing. How did he exactly get involved in the black market? Is this not important enough to be featured in the backstory? Is that just something you haven’t figured out yet? Is it something that is explained within the plot of the story? If not I’d consider adding more detail to that section and the backstory in general.

Smaller thing: he likes to build? Build what? Bombs? I’d think that if he were forced to build them/taught to build them by scientists that he hates and has trauma about that we wouldn’t take it up as a hobby. If it’s not bombs Id just add more detail there, too.

Last thing. In my reading about this character I could find no redeemable qualities. And having no positive attributes is unrealistic. Even if someone is a bad person there’s always something good about them. Granted, this almost never makes up for them being a bad person but it’s still there. Realistic characters are complex, and Zenith is a complex character. Yet, I feel like he should have something good about him that makes the reader like him. And even if he isn’t meant to be liked the above still applies.

In conclusion, Zenith is, in my opinion, a well thought out character with an interesting story and a complex personality. Although, certain aspects of his backstory are unclear and his personality is a bit lacking. Not entirely 2-Dimenstional, but lacking.

Thanks for helping me out! I hope this can help you improve your character, or just make you think about a few things.

Hello, I was wondering if you could critique my character Levina, she's a protagonist currently but her profile focuses more on her backstory. I would be happy to critique any character of yours in return! Levina Annabelle Malashi

Okaokayokaokkokok I'll go hard mode on Zenith boi if u go hard mode on my hard mode Jean boi
(Christian Jean White)

-Overview
This will probably be explained later on, but why those nicknames/other names? It might help to have it there for trivial reasons.

-Looks
Is his bright red hair dyed? or just his natural color?
To be nitpicky, explain why he wears what he wears. Outfits can tell a lot about a person because people tend to express themselves with their style.
Additionally, why the sharp teeth? This will probably be explained later so ¯_(ツ)_/¯

-Nature
Nice motivation! Really sets the mood for the character moving forward
Is that condition like,,,something that happens to him like how did he get that and where can i get it
(High key have been considering making one of my characters a panromantic asexual just bc she's so bubbly and loves everyone but not a sexual person so rn she's just asexual)
I think Chaotic Neutral Asexuals have too much power. Imagine. I'd let them raise my kids.
Hmmm good shit good bonds. I like that he has a line in his sort of vigilante-esque mindset. That makes for good conflict opportunities.
"May have depression". As the creator of the character, you should be sure whether he does or not. Additionally, I think the personality could do with a little more. Sure, he's cocky, but what about when he's under pressure? Sad? How does he react to bad news? How does he treat strangers at the bus stop? Imagine him as a close friend of yours. Sure, you got the typical day with him down, but what about the deeper parts of his personality?
"He has good instincts, but he doesn't listen to them." I feel called out by this tbh
"He was created in a lab" Me, after being confused by half of his description: oooohhhh okay
Under flaws, if he kills for the thrill and if he IS insane, torture would be a heavy temptation on him.
I hate to say it, but he sounds a little OP. If he can heal himself and he's incredibly skilled in fighting, as well as kills for the thrill, there's not much that can get in his way. What makes Zenith truly panic? What brings him to his knees?

-Social
That is the best understanding of atheism that I've seen from anyone on this website in a while lmao
I like the idea of a wild, probably insane experimented human character escaping from probably a corrupt government facility and literally gorging himself on pancakes at a nearby Denny's. That's peak character aesthetic.
Almost forgot to put this, but; explain the specifics of his job more. What exactly are his motives and goals? His M/O, so to speak.

-History
"Happy Spawn Date!" Funniest way to say birthday
I actually really like this backstory! I'm pretty bad at critiquing the entire plot so I'll leave that alone, everything seems to make sense. As much as I can appreciate the brief explanation of the plot, it might help to go more in depth. It can open up opportunities to foreshadowing, contradictions in the plot, and other things that you might not have seen before.

-Unique Information
This is literally my favorite part of the whole character. People that can call their characters "little shits" hold a special place in my heart

-Humanization
Good fears! This can be helpful in bringing down the OP. This is what brings Zenith to his knees.

-Mental State
Okay so he DOES have depression. Good to know lmao
I am in no way a professional and I don't want to claim to know this, I am actually genuinely asking this because I am curious; do victims of torture end up self harming?

-D&D stats
I only included this bc LMAO 9 INTELLIGENCE AHAH

-Gallery
Loving the drawings of him! Are those your drawings?

Okay, thanks! Lets get started on Christian!

Overview:
Where'd he come up with the name 'Daniel Philips'? Is it because he's an assassin that he needs it?

Looks:
Why is his hair always in a bun? Is he trying to be formal? Does he just not want to cut his hair and puts it in a bun so he doesn't look lazy?

Nature:
Okay, under conditions, I can definitely see a lot of character, even his motives for being an assassin. But is his depression situational or clinical? Basically, do you want it to be able to be cured or not?

Good job making him human! Now, shoving down emotions is hard and I can see some of the backlash of that in his character. But remember that he's only human, and there may be times when he breaks down.

If he doesn't focus on the past, how badly does his memories of being abused effect him? Are his flashbacks and/or nightmares (common symptoms of PTSD) bring him back to those times? And is that why he shoves everything down?

I see you've made him very intellectual. Be remember, everyone has a little bit a creativity. Even if it's just coming up with a new way to work on a problem, humans are very creative. Be sure to include that, maybe how he expresses it.

To take a page out of what you said to me, what can bring him to his knees? What makes him panic? What makes him show his emotions?

Social:
I like his opinion on America- seems kinda accurate, to be honest.
If he has so much money he doesn't know what to do with it, why does he insist on being paid with money?

History:
I… don't know what to say? How did he grow back to being friends with Anubis?

Family:
I love how he loves the cat. That's adorable.

(I will continue this later, I gtg, but am posting it so I don't lose my progress.)

Health:
So his body's muscles are good, but he's likely to get lung cancer or need his liver replaced.

Languages:
Is there a reason he knows some french and hindi?

And that's all I can think of. You did a really good job on him!

Ah, thank you so much! This really brings out parts of him that I failed to consider lmao I really appreciate the help!