So, Nanowrimo is almost here (National novel writing month) and I've decided to do the most self-torturous thing possible. Taking a story I came up with in the middle of the night with a friend and try to make it readable.
The story follows a group of people with questionable sanity, which can safely be said to be nonexistent for some, during a zombie apocalypse. Here's the link to the universe: Zombie Apocalypse madness
the main group consists out of six characters and I would like someone to give some feedback on them.
amy (the most wonderful woman in the world): amy (the most wonderful woman in the world) Moreau
Brandon: Brandon Coiro
Kayli: https://www.notebook.ai/plan/characters/631419#!
Mathias: https://www.notebook.ai/plan/characters/631473#!
Muirne: Muirne Lefdoiten
Q: https://www.notebook.ai/plan/characters/631369#!
hi sorry it took me a while but i did them all,,, #procrastinator whee
anyways for amy (the most wonderful woman in the world):
- she seems a good weight for her build. nice job with that. clarify her hair style though - does she have short bangs? is it curly? as someone who had a pixie cut i can tell you there are a lot of different ways you can style it based on length.
- does she use the bow and arrow? just say "for using the bow and arrow" instead of arrow shooting. might clear it up.
- more identifying marks. how would you recognize her in a crowd or group photo? also, what kind of scars? battle scars? and where?
- i like her clothing style, but how does she like what clothes help her blend in? is she always changing environment? maybe she just likes camouflage/inconspicuous clothing. idk.
- mannerisms - like what you've put. elaborate (why?), how does she treat people she's met before vs. people she's never seen? how does she treat those of higher/lower status?
- you've neglected to mention her race or characteristics so idk why she bites people. also, i wouldn't necessarily call uncomfortable around others a flaw. maybe she's socially awkward, which (as someone who's a bit socially awkward) i will admit can be a flaw. or at least it's certainly not helpful at times. with the biting thing, do you mean she has a very big personal space bubble? elaborate.
- doesn't trust humans - why? what race is she?
- you say she can track down animals, how? and can she track humans as well?
- "sleep-deprived performances" what performances?? are they always sleep-deprived? this seems like kind of a weird hobby with the way you've worded it.
- personality type - more. what kind of person is she? is she nice? mean? selfish? selfless? every tiny detail helps the reader (and the author, per my experience) get to know the character better.
- tracker of what? and what mental hospital? (why was she there? is that where she met the group?)
- stew with meat - does she just like meat?
- so after reading the asylum bio i kind of understand
- why was she under the care of a caretaker and why did she murder them?
- the disease seems kind of interesting. does she somehow unlock some sort of power?
- so the first part in goals doesn't really answer the category you've written.
- "She also tries her best not to stick out to other people" what does this mean?
- why does she want that more than anything and why could she not do this?
so for Brandon:
- long hair - a mullet? explain as clearly as possible.
- short beardy thing - what???? exblain
- where are the scars? and do you mean fractured bones? how do they leave scars?
- "wears some sort of shirt or seater otherwise" clarify. a t shirt? what material? stuff like that, though material might be a bit too specific.
- mannerisms - same as amy (the most wonderful woman in the world). more pls.
- seems like some legitimate motivations, but why does he want to stay with the group?
- i like his flaws, and his prejudice(s) match up nicely. why does he have that opinion though? that could also be a good prejudice (if it's any different lmao)
- "Drumming, cooking and sowing" do you mean he likes playing the percussion, cooking and sewing? sowing and sewing are two totally different things.
- "parcours and cooking" = parkour i think.
- "which is nearly everyone and mostly because it takes little to tick him of" what does this mean? also add more personality. like i said above, every detail counts!
- i love his social panel in general, but do you mean a wooden axe or an axe made for chopping wood?
- "He has a habit of telling himself "now is not the right time" creating new limits for realizing his own desires as he goes." that's a bit confusing. what do you mean?
for Kaily:
- more on the hair style! is it curly? wavy? straight? does she usually wear it tied back or just loose?
- mannerisms same as above
- flaws - do you mean this only happen when she's doing her experiments? if not, say that in general as well as when she is doing experiments. also, what does she experiment with?
- add more on her personality, and what do you mean "full-on mad scientist"?
- education - has she had a formal education in chemistry? if not, what do you mean?
- "with acquiring flammable gasses who helps her with conducting small-scale experiments to create new (chemical) weapons, poisons and medicine." run-on sentence… what does it mean? who is helping who do what?
- again, you don't really answer the question of what her conflict with the world is. you kind of explain what kind of science she does, which is helpful, but that could go into personality instead of that category.
- "to calm down and learn what moral codes are, according to society anyway. " you state that she does most of the negotiating is, so i would say she's pretty calm, but maybe she needs to learn moral boundaries pertaining to scientific studies
- you don't answer the question "how far will she go" though i don't really understand the question. like i said, a lot of this could go into personality.
for Mathias:
- what do you mean by his hair color? are the streaks dyed or is he just under that much stress? also, describe his hairstyle more
- facial hair - a beard doesn't just grow right away when someone doesn't shave, so i don't think you can say "has a nice thick beard otherwise". maybe he has some stubble that grows when he doesn't shave but otherwise :/
- his weight seems fairly accurate but i'd double check that. if he's super muscular he'll most likely be pretty heavy. muscle weighs more than fat
- don't think his upper left lip can be broken, so i don't think it can be oddly shaped. more identifying marks if possible!
- more mannerisms.
- "Matthias has stayed at the Morrowbay assylum and other hospitals for a little over a year and had a successful career before, as such he has more of a connection to the outside world than the others. " i don't think this is a motivation. also, if he's so stoic and warm, why was he at the asylum in the first place?
- more flaws! what are the bad sides of his personality? i like what you've done so far.
- "He is the strongest in the group and must protect the others from dangers" - not a prejudice. does he think people weak in general? that could be a prejudice.
- "Give no shit and take none from anyone else." what. i need more personality. just what kind of person is he?
- what are the backs of medals?? what's so special about them?
- your response is better for the "conflict with the world" part of Goals, but still, how does this play into his internal conflict?
- do you mean the people he calls friends as in the group he's currently with or the bad-influence folks he was with a while ago?
- why does he have a view of a perfect future if he was brought up in a situation like his own? if anything he would probably have a more jaded worldview, especially with the heavy drinking and bad influence from his "friends". normal is definitely a better word
for Muirne:
- how do i pronounce her name. pls add
- her hair style is pretty detailed, good, but more identifying marksssss
- if she has a fascination with those clothing styles, i'd say just put that. but remember that that time period had quite constricting clothes on women with lots of laws for skin coverage, so she'd often be wearing long dresses. i think look at a later time period for her, at least not in the 19th century.
- "appears to be calculated in her actions and very trusting of other people." does this mean she calculates and changes her action depending on the person? and by very trusting to you mean too trusting? in which case that would be a flaw. m o r e m a n n e r i s m s
- motivations - ok, but if you want you could probably add why she wanted to stay with the group.
- flaws - LOL. but add more about her personality.
- what you've put as a prejudice is not exactly a prejudice, more of a belief. in which case put it in either personality or flaws.
- "She knows everything about chemistry as long as it is to set fire to things, same goes for physics and engineering. " it's quite difficult to know about only one field (fire) in all those different categories, so i wouldn't say she knows everything, just has a basic understanding of some concepts or principles.
- "either perform or trick people into, for them, unfavourable situations/deals" the way you've written this means that she performs unfavorable situations… why would she want to do that…
- "Energetic, impulsive and quite selfish although she's good at covering up the last one." how does someone cover up their selfishness? i would personally pit selfish and maybe impulsive in her flaws. "On top of that her "self" may also include others she cares about deeply" what does this mean
- how does she still believe in dragons and unicorns "and stuff".. she's 23…. though who am i to judge i wish dragons were real
- not sure if pyromania is a profession.
- fave animal: LOOOOOOL
- so her world/conflict is a bit easier to understand, good job, but i would say she isn't quite totally insane/crazy because she still cares for her friends (from what you've explained).
- "no, she's had years to think on the subject and is aware of her mental state and how to fix it." this doesn't answer the question. does it mean she doesn't want to change?
- if she's willing to go so far? why is she still with the group? why do they keep her around and vice versa?
FINALLY LAST ONE
for Q:
- much better hairstyle description. good job. but is his hair straight or curly, and is the color dyed?
- peach fuzz where? upper lip? all over his face? oh my god ….. peach fuzz sideburns
- "super duper pale, like burns after five seconds in the sun pale" maybe just say very pale white, very sensitive to retain the formality. ur choice tho
- you've done this quite a bit, or at least stuff like it: "may or may not" you don't need to put this. if he has them, he has them. keep a mystery to your readers, not critiquers. it just helps to gain a better understanding of your character.
- also, what kind of symbols? like runes
- "When he's alone with the group he often takes on the ways of a typical gentleman. One thing that does seem to be constant are his regal airs" so you've given us one example. give us more! how does he change?
- "since he changes his mannerisms as easily as masks, people often grow weary of him when spending long periods of time with him. " not his flaw, per se. why would they get weary of spending time with him? more personality flaws blease
- prejudice - you've given us more of an effect than a cause. a prejudice is an unfounded hate for an often unfairly generalized group of people. for example, my belief that x type of people are always like y might lead me to use them as pawns.
- m o r e p e r s o n a l i t y
- how old was he when he was admitted and why? also, you don't need to say the history is surrounded by mystery. write the history so you know it and can allude to it when you write, though you don't need to put it in the character or can put it under a spoilers section if you want people to be careful.
- "according to the doctors" does he though. like actually.
- why does he need to return home. where is his home.
- wow do they actually take over the world?? how?? and how is he so good at influencing/persuading others?????? in my opinion, in an apocalypse (and a zombie one at that), i would be far more concerned with Avoiding Zombies In My Area, much less joining a new empire or anything like that.
- "staying with the same group for a long time is limiting as he can't use his usual tricks which often end in everyone trying to murder him. " why. what.
- why is brandon scary to him
ok my god that took me a while. sorry. i haven't had time to refresh the page since i started writing this like four hours ago so sorry if i'm restating anything. anyways that's all, their pretty good characters but could be developed a bit more (everything can be developed more tho so pls don't take offense)
good luck and good job!
@SpoopyPotato, thanks for the feedback. It's very useful and I incorporated most of it.
- Concerning the sowing/ sewing thing: English isn't my native language so that's just inexperience.
- amy (the most wonderful woman in the world) is human, just delusional and often responds to things the way a scared dog would.
- Brandon, I don't know how to describe the short beardy thing. It's a beard but not really???
- Clothing, they don't really have a choice in what they're wearing. they'll have to be content with whatever they find after leaving the asylum.
- Muirne is derived from Irish but since I don't understand phonetic script it's difficult to explain, her last name is already a highly simplified version of what it actually is. Also, she's based on the fairies in Irish lore which is why she's a bit random and tricky when explaining.
- As for why everyone stays together, it's not that they have a reason for doing so, just that they don't have a reason to leave.
- their relationships change over time, in the beginning, they barely know each other. this means amy (the most wonderful woman in the world) will follow them around at a distance at first and only come closer later on. Muirne will only do what's best for her at first and then change her actions to benefit the group etc.
- it's not back of medals, but a bag of medals. English is hard
- what spoiler section?
Great suggestions, I'll try to work it into their pages somehow. Thanks for your help! ^.^
