forum Could someone criticize my character?
Started by @CinnamonRoll
tune

people_alt 10 followers

@@NothingHappened871

  1. Absolutely love the name.

  2. You say that the mannerisms have a "floaty demeanor" and later say that in the personality. Did you mean to put it in there twice?

  3. Who is this Reyalline Lycantree? Will we hear more about her?

  4. Why didn't Lilith know had to lock a door if she was homeschooled? Was she just taught manners or was she taught actual stuff?

  5. So, it sounds like Lilith loves women. Has she always loved women or did she love them after she got forced onto? Or does she love anybody? If I am making wrong assumptions, I am sorry but that is what I am getting.

  6. If Lilith is the high priestess and prefers to be a figurehead, why does she have no politics? I though you needed to have some sort of politics if you were to take a big position in government, like a figurehead. Forgive me If I'm wrong.

  7. How does she technically own the Black Temple if she only came there a few months beforehand?

  8. Aren't there any men that she trusts other than Anifur?

  9. Do her feelings have any effect in her paintings? Most people paint according to their feelings, like if they were happy they would draw a dog but if they were sad they would draw themself crying or something. Because of her vengeful manner, has she ever painted a darker seen then just flowers?

  10. Also, if she has a vengeful manner, wouldn't she have been slightly proud that she had killed her husband?

  11. A prejudice is a preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience according to the dictionary. She had experience with men before, so would her trust issues with men be a prejudice?

  12. She has no fear of public speaking? So jealous.

If you don't like my horrible questions, then you don't have to reply, but these are my questions.

@Grace<3

Hello :) I read your character bio, and I'll share my thoughts on her :)
First of all, I really like Lily :) She seems like a very interesting character, but of course there is always room for improvement :) For her personality, the only thing you should work on is to make her seem more in-depth just by being more descriptive. "Floaty" is a description you use a lot, and I understand the direction you were going in, but try to really describe what floaty means to her personality. Is it in the way she carries herself? Or maybe her movements? The way she speaks? I know it can be hard when you have a perfect picture of what you want your characters to be in your head and it loses some of that perfection on paper, but as the reader, I need the help of detail to paint the most accurate picture of Lily :)
On the other hand, the history you provided for Lily was extremely detailed and thought out :) Her story sounds amazing and I wish I knew more! :D
So yeah, try to really dissect her personality with more description :)
Happy writing <3
Grace

@CinnamonRoll

Oh my god, no, I love your questions! Here we go:

  1. Thanks!
  2. Oversight on my part, sorry about that.
  3. Yeah, she's pretty important. I'm polishing her up a bit before I post her.
  4. I meant the door at the temple. It's more of a symbolic thing than an actual 'Idk how to work a lock' thing.
  5. Yes, she prefers women; she didn't really think about it until she ended up away from home. When she met Rey, she was certain.
  6. Technically she's not in the government; the temple is actually outside the law. It's kind of confusing. Also, the impact of 'no politics' falls beneath her adversity to decision-making; she generally agrees with her superiors on political matters.
  7. That… is a messy subject. Basically, since she runs it most of the time, she regards it as her own (hence the 'technically').
  8. Nope. She hasn't encountered many others since she left. The last man she came close to trusting was loyal to Rey, but betrayed her. This just made her trust them less.
  9. The flowers calm her down. When she's in a bad mood, she will usually go to train instead, so there aren't very many dark scenes; she only paints when she's happy. However, when she's 'on a high,' so to speak, the flowers have a tendency to bleed, burn, wither… it's rare, but her emotions are always reflected in the flowers.
  10. Oh yeah. Right after it happened, she was in shock. The shame stemmed more from realizing that she should feel guilty but didn't, rather than actual guilt.
  11. Did I not put that down? Wow, brain fart. Yes, that's exactly what it is.
  12. OMG, me too. She used to be terrified of it, but she did it a few times and realized that she genuinely enjoyed it.

Thank you SO MUCH. These were actually super helpful! I'm gonna go update her. Thanks (again)! :D

@Mish

Hello! I would like to critique your character, if you don't mind. (I know I've been doing this for a lot of the characters on here, but I'm a brain-starved writer who needs something to do in her spare time to keep from going insane–SO! If you would allow me to critique your character, it would be my pleasure to assist. ^.^)

EDIT: Just realized that most of my comments might've already been asked since someone else also wrote out a critique–I spend forever on these so I had no clue before hand. So apologies if there any. >.<

Starting with the backstory and working my way backwards:
"Anifur was actually a demon and began recruiting priestesses. Of course, her favorite was Reyalline Lycantree, whom she fell in love with." The sentence structure here is a bit weird. I highly suggest reorganizing your thoughts to make a more coherent sentence (because as of right now, it seems like Anifur was secretly a girl, who fell in love with one of his priestesses). I'd re-write it to look something like this: Out of all of the priestesses that Anifur recruited, Lillith's favorite was Reyalline Lycantree, whom she fell in love with.

Additional things I would suggest adding into the backstory is:
-How Lillith ended up "technically" owning the Black Temple

As for her nature: I really enjoy her personality. She, at first glance, appeared to me to be a Mary Sue–or at least close to it. With her natural charm, looks, captivating presence, and talents, she appears perfect. Until, that is, you discover that it's all an act, and she's actually quite nasty on the inside. (Which, must I say, I absolutely love the little plot twist in her character that you've given her.) I would really like to learn more about her actual nature and how she became such a vengeful and angry woman.

As for her looks: I love the combination of short-pale-and RED. This is just a thought, but if her skin was actually a darker tan, I think the red would stand out MUCH more against a darker background.

One final thought: Unknown ages are another one of my writer's pet peeves. I don't really see the need for mysticism around a person's age. But, this is just personal opinion. You do you. ^-^

@CinnamonRoll

Gotta respond to Grace now~~

Thank you!! That little blip in her personality has come up a couple times and I'm gonna try to fix it right away. I'm so glad you like her story! It's my favorite part of any character. Thanks again for the help!! I love when I get good constructive criticism~! :D

@CinnamonRoll

Woah there so many people I'm hyped! Okay gotta respond to @Mish …

Oh dear. I recently edited her and maybe it saved weird… or maybe I forgot to backspace… RIP me. Thanks for pointing that out, I never would have caught it!

The little 'technically' blip has popped up a couple times now, so I'll be sure to figure that out.

I'm so glad you like her!! She's a good time :)

I completely get your age thingy. It bothers me too, but my timeline is a MESS, so I had to put in 'unknown' while I worked out the math. (Not a big fan of math so that might be there for a bit).

Thank you so so much!! I love all this feedback! :DDD

@Mish

Also, I'd be more than willing to help tackle that math for you. Just shoot me a private message and I'll try my best to help you! ^-^