forum Could anybody critique please?

Started April 06, 2018 by @CupcakesAreLife

tune

I'm not aure if this will eb good or anything, but I'm trying. Here you go:

Feel free to roast her to the ground. I probably need serious work but I hope it's ok.

I like it! The only things I would say are
A) is everyone around her a vampire? Is the setting basically humanity but they are vampires? (This is more for me but I’m curious)
B) she can’t possibly always be right when arguing. Maybe she thinks she’s right? Or the person she’s arguing with just gives up because she’s too stubborn?

Other than that, she’s perfect! Her personality and background are really well developed, and you seem to have put a lot of thought into her.

I like it! The only things I would say are
A) is everyone around her a vampire? Is the setting basically humanity but they are vampires? (This is more for me but I’m curious)
B) she can’t possibly always be right when arguing. Maybe she thinks she’s right? Or the person she’s arguing with just gives up because she’s too stubborn?

Other than that, she’s perfect! Her personality and background are really well developed, and you seem to have put a lot of thought into her.

Thanks for critiquing! No, only she is a vampire. Also, she thinks she is right when arguing or tries her best to even it out if she realizes she is wrong.

Ahh. That makes sense. Does she have to hide her vampire-ness from others?

No. She actually has no clue she is a vampire. She keeps making up excuses on why she totally isn't a vampire.

No. She actually has no clue she is a vampire. She keeps making up excuses on why she totally isn't a vampire.

Ooh! That would make great story material.

The whole vampire thing seems rather out of place. It doesn't even say how she became a vampire or how that's relevant to the plot. You also didn't elaborate on why she thinks all government workers are bad or why she thinks all dogs will bite her. Also, steak is rather unhealthy so I doubt she would have such a perfect figure if she eats a lot of it (unless she doesn't eat very much of it but I assume she does since it is her favorite food). Also, why did her dad force her to skip 2nd grade? Skipping a grade is rather rare and usually only done if the child is gifted academically but you didn't say she was. The father himself seems like a bit of a thin villain (no offense). No one is truly evil and he seems to have absolutely no redeeming qualities so it's odd that everything was apparently "perfect" in her early childhood. If her dad was so terrible, there would've been signs in her early childhood. No family is truly perfect, especially if one parent is, according to your description, deranged. You also said that the family moved to New York before becoming "millionaires" (which would be extremely unlikely for someone in the fashion industry, might I mention) but what did the mother do that made enough money for an apartment in New York City (before becoming a millionaire)? Apartments in New York City are extremely expensive and would be hard to get for a single mother. Also, the custody of the children would definitely have been figured out when he left in the first place, it's not common for a parent to just "demand" their kids back after having left.
Also, I would like to ask if you drew the picture of the character? If not, do you have permission from the artist to use it? You should at least credit the artist by saying their username on one of the sites where they post their art. This isn't really important to the overall character, but it's really not right to take someone's art without even crediting them.

Well, I think with some reworking this could be a really good character! Have a nice day!

Thank you for critiquing @GoldenSlime!

1. The vampire is relevant to the plot later on in life but she doesn't know how she became one.

2. I'll elaborate on the dogs and government.

3. She's one of those really lucky girls that doesn't gain weight when she eats a lot. She also walks quite a lot since she prefers to get off the bus stop early and run the rest of the way to school.

4. Her dad forced her to skip since she was getting perfect grades in all of her classes so her father thought everything was too easy and skipped her a grade.

5. The dad was an okay guy until he ran away with that other girl and got addicted to drugs. That warped his mind enough to think that his children should only be with him because they should only love him and no one else.

6. She had enough money from selling her house and working at her job at the local cafe until she got the fashion job. She quickly became millionaire because people liked her designs and kept on buying them.

7. He left the children to the mother the first time but as I said in one the 5th response, the drugs warped him and made him think that he should have his kids because they should only love him.

8. The artists name is in the bottom right corner of the art, as I cannot draw that well to say that it is mine. I'll credit them.

Thanks again for critiquing! It was really helpful!

Ok so fair warning, I might not be the best critic so if I mess up some details let me know.
In classic CinnamonRoll fashion, top down:

First of all, love the name, super creative. For the hair style, maybe add more detail like how she wears it. Down? Half up? stuff like that. For mannerisms and motivations, the ones you have are good but its important to have 2 or 3 in those categories (unless the ONLY thing that motivates her is protecting her brother and thats what her entire life revolves around)

Flaws are good, I like how you added a lot and they work together. The prejudice about dogs seems less like a prejudice and more like a fear so I don't know about that one but I enjoy the government one. I also think you could add details about this either in the background or right there. Talent is good, I like the little background but maybe add some more. Nobody is good at only one thing. Same with hobbies.

Personality, religion, and politics are great. (LOVE that you added politics) Not much to say about her preferences but I like the little bit of background and reason in them.

Background. So you said that her family was perfect until she was 5, but in the talents part you said that she started drawing when she was 3 because her parents fought. I would LOVE for you to elaborate on the kidnapped part, that sounds interesting. Overall, just add more background and details.. Love the cats name, no critique on that.

Overall, I really enjoyed your character. Hope this helps :D ✨

I'm not a very character-critiquing person in general, so the only thing I have to say is that her eye color is a bit unrealistic? I understand that she's a vampire, but you've stated that she thinks she's human. Humans don't have red eyes - the only case in which eyes would appear to be actually red is if she's albino, and given her dark hair, I doubt she's albino (although she could have ocular albinism), but even if she were albino, her eyes wouldn't appear to be a BRIGHT red. Surely she and the people around her would find her bright red eyes strange and possibly troubling.