forum characters with social anxiety

Started June 22, 2018 by Amstance

tune

hey guys I want my character Aster to have social anxiety, but I need to know what that's like. I would love if someone could explain how it feels to have social anxiety thanks!

Oh gosh ok. Having social anxiety is like…. it's hard to explain but I'll do my best. I don't like to initiate conversation with people. It makes me nervous. So I'll wait for someone else to talk first, or look at me expectantly. Generally, I'll avoid talking with people unless I have to, or it's someone I'm close to. Another thing that people with social anxiety have trouble with (or maybe it's just me) is ordering food at restaurants. I'll be staring at my menu while ordering, even though I know exactly what I want, because I mostly get the same thing every time. But if the waiter asks me anything I wasn't prepared for, even something as simple as 'would you like cheese on the side' or something, I'll just freeze up and my brain will stop working. I'll look at my friends for help, and they just stare, they all just stare. So eventually I'll just spit out an answer, which is usually no. Even if I did want that cheese. It's weird and it kind of affects other people differently, but that's kind of my social anxiety.

Yeah mine is very similar! The whole "being asked questions I'm not prepared for" is a big problem for me as well. Once I went to get my hair cut, and I knew exactly how I wanted it cut. I had been practicing what I was going to say over and over, but then the hairdresser asked me what I wanted before I sat down in the chair, and I wasn't prepared for that so I blurted out "Just a trim" even though I wanted like 5 inches off. Also, I practice what I'm going to say A LOT. Even for stupid little things. Another thing I do is overthink everything, like EVERYTHING. How I'm standing, what I say, which is why talking to people face to face is awful for me because there's very little time to think about what I'm going to say, which means "Uh" "Um" "Like" and "Yeah" make up most of my vocabulary. I also REALLY hate big, busy, noisy places, and sometimes if I'm in one and don't know what I'm supposed to be doing that can trigger a very small panic attack. Luckily I haven't had a really bad one yet, and I hope it stays that way. Other weird things I do are: Hold my phone all the time when I'm feeling nervous, and I turn the screen on and look at it even if I didn't get a notification. Try to stay in the back of a crowd, or near a wall if I'm in a room. Follow my friends or brother around when I'm with people I don't know well. Fiddle with my hair, hands, shirt, purse strap, phone case or whatever I might be holding.
I hope this helped a little, and like @JustAFan52 said it affects people differently. One last thing is, at least for me, my anxiety is worse on some days and better on others. There's not really a pattern for it, but I notice when I've already done a lot of socializing over the course of a couple days, my anxiety is especially bad the next day. But this isn't always the case, and I'm sure there are many other factors as well.

i use to have major social anxiety to the point where i would overthink literally everything about conversations so here's what my thought process was like (im also 85% sure i have ADD but i dont want to self diagnose but im too scared to go see if i am but anyways it adds to the horribleness of my thoughts yay) first the battle of: if i go up and talk to them would i seem pushy? maybe they should come to me but i don't want to seem forceful but if i don't go to them i won't talk to them but i want to talk to them and tkljfkadsjfl; repeat) i tended to scrunch up a lot in attempt to avoid conversations and if i did anything awkward i would actually run away and then cry because i was so horrible and just awkward and weird and then the person that i walked away from would be mad at me for being so rude and then it would feel like the whole world was laughing at me and angry at me and just disappointed all at the same time but this actually got so bad that sometimes i would have to force myself to not leave in the middle of a conversation… whoops… anyways my thoughts raced at five million miles an hour and it was absolutely horrible because i couldn't keep up and it was overwhelming. loneliness also sucks like a lot when you have social anxiety so finding someone who would willingly carry on a practically one-sided conversation and not make you feel horrible and awkward and overthinky is a life saver lmao also i skimmed through the other two and i noticed that there were a lot of examples of things that make people who suffer from it anxious so i thought i would share how my brain would work when talking to people– i'm a rambly mess in my head because i have so much to say but i don't know how to say it basically so i'm just quiet in fear of messing up in front of someone or being caught off guard

It’s a constant cloak of dread, wrapping me up in it’s cold fingers, never letting me get a breath of fresh air. Every day is constant worrying about well, everything you could possibly think of! I’m always tense and on edge because I’m thinking of all the possibilities of everything that could happen. Today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year! It’s exhausting and drains me.

I can’t talk normally; I’m constantly amazed by people that can go out and just have a casual conversation with someone and then get on with their lives. They don’t go home and think about everything they did and said, and how they could have done one thing differently or why did they say this instead of that, why did they stand there so awkwardly and be such a goddamned weirdo?

I’m always afraid of the judgement, the negativity, making eye contact, feeling like everyone around has only bad things to think about me. It’s caused a loss of self-esteem and self-confidence, among other things.

I go out of my way to do absolutely everything I can before I have to call someone. Text, Email, have someone else do it? No? I have to do it? Fine. A few months later… oh god, I need to call that person but I cant! I need to make a doctor's appointment but they have no email! Ill wait months or years. If I miss an appointment with someone for something, I will just automatically stop going because Im embarrassed of the fact that i missed something, and I want to avoid that confrontation at all costs. I hate confrontation; if someone wants to raise their voice at me, I instantly start tearing up because my brain is telling me that they are upset with me, they're mad at me, and I can't deal with that.

When I do have to talk to people, I have to have something to occupy myself with. Like, clicking a pen, twisting my hair around my fingers, tapping my foot or fingers.

I don't go out of my way to talk to people, and I HATE small talk, it makes me extremely nervous. I will dread it for days before and worry about it days after. I don't usually add any input into conversations, even though I have so much to say in my head, unless it's around someone I'm very comfortable with (which is like 2 people at this moment).

That's a bit of my experience. Everyone is different though. But, also keep in mind that those with anxiety have a chronic illness, and it usually will be there for life (or so I have been told and have accepted), and they can't just shut it off around a certain someone.
Yes, I can be more myself around the aforementioned people, but I still have that anxiety, still have those thoughts of judgement, rejection, embarrassment, so I still can't even be myself, my real true self that is trapped by my own head, around them.

I'm going to give you one example here: When you're taking a test, you CANNOT be the first up to pass it in because everyone will stare at you, and you can't go immediatley after the person who just passed it in because you don't want it to seem like you're following them. Also, we don't do well in large groups.

All of this is me with my anxiety

this helped a ton

One thing people forget about anxiety sometimes is the physical side of it, I get super shaky first, I can't hold my body still, this is the warning sign. Then, I get empty, aching cramps in my stomach and teary eyed (even though I'm not really sad) other people might feel itchy or sweaty. I can't focus on what people are saying because I'm really just trying not to freak out on everyone. Usually nobody notices, which is good.
Some hotspots of social anxiety torture include, class, the subway, elevators, any restaurant, parties, funerals, acquaintances' houses, reunions, ceremonies, elevators, on a plane, and anywhere else I might need to draw attention to myself by throwing something away or blowing my nose.
The anxiety override sometimes kicks in and it's blessed. It's when a friend needs help and suddenly you can ask for extra ketchup or whatever, or sometimes people with anxiety can feel at peace on a stage. Calm at the eye of the storm.

do you still feel comfortable around your close friends?

Yes, but only the really close ones. Like I'll tackle them, and have a good time with them, but then a friend who I've known for years, she hugs me and I'll tense up. It's strange, and I can't really control it, it just kind of happens.

Yeah, around my close friends I'm like a whole other person! This can sometimes be a problem though, because I'm constantly paranoid that someone I'm a little bit more reserved around will catch me acting like myself (talking a lot, saying really stupid things than laughing at how stupid they are, making weird faces), and take my quieter behavior as me disliking them or acting coldly, when in reality I see them as a potential friend and my anxiety's got me panicked that I'll mess something up. And though I've got some close friends I'm comfortable around, it's a bit hard to get them to understand. Like, ordering food is terrifying for me, so often I'll ask if my brother can do it for me, and sometimes I'll get teased or asked, "What are you gonna do when he leaves for college?" "How are you gonna survive on your own?" "He's not always going to be around to help you!" and I know they're trying to do it lovingly or endearingly, and don't mean it in a nasty way, but it's just enough to really lower my self esteem. They're right, you know. Why are you like this? Stop being so pathetic!
Another problem is a lot of people don't get my panic attacks in large busy spaces, and I don't like to talk about them because it makes me feel broken or weird, or I feel like I don't have them bad enough to complain. My close friend recently invited me to this youth group thing. I didn't realize it'd be so packed (my church is really small, like ten people in the girls' youth group, this group had close to 100), and as the "new kid" it felt like I had the eyes of everyone in the whole room. There was really loud music playing, not to mention a bunch of teens screaming on the top their lungs. I started to feel my heart racing, my eyes watering, and my entire body wanted to shrink into a ball. You know when you feel like you're in danger, and your body begins pumping adrenaline, and your brain screams "get away get away get away get away." It's like that, but you can't run, because you don't want people to know how pathetic you are. My friend didn't understand, she could see something was wrong, but didn't get it. And then the rest of the night I felt terrible because I made her feel bad for me. I ruined everything, she thought I'd have fun, and I let her down.
I'm sorry for completely ranting. I don't talk to people about this (as you can tell haha anxiety's fun man), so letting it all out feels good.

people express social anxiety differently. most of this is the same for me, but what i also do (if im in a place with a lot of people) is that i try to sit with my back to a wall or corner (preferably as close to the bathroom as possible) i also walk looking at the ground and if im in a restaurant i want a booth and i want to sit on the inside. i also never really stand/sit up quite straight (also because i have a larger chest). Also my phone is my best friend because it will distract me from my anxiety and it makes it seem like i dont want to be bothered, so im usually left alone. i also apologize A LOT

http://www.lovethispic.com/image/54976/social-anxiety

"Hearing people laugh near you. Not talking because you're afraid what you say will be judged. Keeping quiet in a conversation with three people. Not being able to go anywhere alone. Staying inside all day. Hating when the teacher asks you a question in class. Eye contact. Eating in front of people. Counting money before you pay. Not leaving voicemails." Just going to skip these two because I don't really like them. "Always preparing what to say. Bumping into people you know. Feeling embarrassed all the time."

BEST SOCIAL ANXIETY VISUAL EVERRRRR

I read through this whole thread and I 100% relate to this stuff, I also noticed no one really covered in depth what an actual anxiety/panic attack can feel like. For some people, an anxiety attack and a panic attack are the same, but for me they're different so I'll explain what it's like for me. An anxiety attack always has a trigger for me (someone I'm talking to gives me "weird" body language and I overthink and think they're mad at me; the room I'm in is really loud and overcrowded; I'm getting jostled or touched a lot; someone is yelling at me; etc.) and the first sign that one is coming on is that I start to get really short of breath. Next I get sort of light-headed, probably because I'm breathing fast and shallowly (think hyperventilating), and it gets hard to focus on what people are saying because I become hyper-aware that I'm having an attack and people are going to notice. My hands shake, my breathing gets even faster, I can't speak. When I say I can't speak, I mean it's very very difficult to form a coherent sentence or even think at this point. An attack will slow greatly after the trigger is removed, but I can also eventually stop one myself if I really have to (although this is very difficult, sometimes downright impossible, and certainly not ideal). I close my eyes and force myself to slow my breathing, focus on my heart rate, try to do mindfulness and shut out all the sensations around me and ground myself again. Now, a panic attack is like a more intense form of this, but for me a panic attack has no identifiable trigger. People who have panic attacks often think they're having a heart attack or dying because the ordeal can be so intense and traumatic. A panic attack starts up much the same an anxiety attack would, but like I said before, much more intense and bright (bright like the way pain is bright, or like looking directly into the sun is bright). During a panic attack I almost always cry and shake and sit down/slide onto the floor/lean on somthing because my muscles go weak. These attacks are not pretty. It's an ugly cry, sniffling and snot running and wheezing. My vision goes blurry and white, my head spins and I feel like I'm floating/detached from my body, my chest hurts like someone is sitting on it. Usually a panic attack will last a few minutes, though it can feel like forever. After one of these, I feel numb and detached afterwards for a long, long time, and I'm physically drained and exhausted.
Sorry this is so long-winded, I just felt like getting the physical aspect of anxiety right is really important in realistically portraying an anxious character. Again, anxiety is different for everyone and these are just my experiences. Good luck with your character!