forum Character critique trade?
Started by Name
tune

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Name

Hi everyone! I was hoping to get some critique on a character of mine, and possibly give some critique on other people’s characters if wanted.
Here’s my character: Adelaide Penborn
Can’t wait to see yours!

@HighPockets group

Ooh, very good!!
I like that you have a lot for Mannerisms, I usually struggle with that one.
Appearance is good, and I believe 5'9" is pretty tall for a girl.
I love that for prejudices it has who she's biased towards, that's a good touch.
I don't have many negatives, but here's some questions:

  1. For religion, it says she's agnostic. In this universe, are there people who practice modern day religions, or is there a fully different religious system.
  2. For age, perhaps mark some significant events at each age, like for example Age 17: Decided she wants to be a mage. Age 12: Met the other two in the trio.
  3. What does it mean by 'unsympathetic'? I get that it means 'doesn't really feel sympathy' (I'm a bit like that too) but as a reader/writer, my gut instinct is to read it as 'you can't feel sorry for her'.
  4. For personality, in addition to Hogwarts houses, maybe add a MBPT and a Divergent faction? It seems a bit repetitive to have a House and a Faction, but sometimes someone could be a Gryffindor/Candor because they're brave but value honesty, or a Slytherin/Abnegation because they're ambitious about helping others.
  5. What are the personalities of her other friends? I'm assuming she's the Hermione, but does she have any traits of the Ron or the Harry?

Here's my character for you to critique!
https://www.notebook.ai/plan/characters/592407#!

Name

WARNING: I’m still working on being concise. Read at your own risk of extreme boredom and time suck.

Thank-you for the critique!

  1. As for religions, I have yet to develop them much. Currently, we have 1.5, with one being mostly based on our world’s Catholicism, the other one being a major branch of the main religion (mages worshipping a historic super powerful mage along with Fyroess, their main god(dess). I plan to add more, but I anticipate Addy staying agnostic even as more religions are added.
  2. Great idea! I’ve actually been working on a timeline in a separate platform more conducive to it, but I never get much work done on it, since dates seem much less interesting than favorite foods and character relationships.
  3. You were right in assuming I meant that she doesn’t feel sympathy towards others, but I can get how the meaning could be unclear. I’ll change that in her profile.
  4. What do you mean by MBPT? If you mean Myers-Briggs, I wrote that she’s an ISTJ. Otherwise, I’m always looking for new personality indicators for characters! The divergent faction is a good idea; I think she would be abnegation, which I’ll add to her profile.
  5. Her other friends, Kai and Rowana, don’t both have profiles yet. Kai is an actor. He grew up on the streets of another kingdom (called Seredial) using his fire magic to survive. He is extroverted, doesn’t trust easily, and has a philosophy of “Fake it till you make it”. Rowana grew up the suffocated crown princess of yet another kingdom (called Alfia), until her powers were discovered and she was sent to Eengloh to get them under control. She is perfectionstic and extroverted, exhausted by the polished show she puts on for everyone. I was just using the hermione Ron Harry comparison for their plot dynamic of a trio with one out of the trio sticking out as the main protagonist, but if I had to say, I think Rowana would be Ron (personality-wise. Dynamic wise she’s Harry), Kai would be Harry, and Addy would be Hermione.

As for lovely Nich, I had a very large amount of trouble coming up with negatives. I loved his name, it certainly fits well, and I can’t help but like the fox symbols. The height and weight gave me pause, but then I scrolled down and saw the note in body type, which made the height and weight perfect. The little details of tousling his hair on purpose and self-censoring for Nell really exhibit his personality well. Overall, I really love this character! However, this would not be a critique worth anything if I didn’t have some questions and/or negatives, so here they are:

  1. I’m curious about the stealing from rich giving to poor thing. How does he consider himself to fit into this dichotomy? Is he completely separate from it? Is he one of the poor he gives to? Is this something he puts into action much, or is it just his philosophy? Does he routinely steal and give to/from the same people and develop grudges and relationships with said people? Are any members of the law/government actually on his side about this? Does he have an inside man/woman?

  2. Is this the same world as ours? What is the Twyllite race? How does his race affect his character? Are the Twyllite minority or majority in the world?

  3. How do Nell and his family members feel about his illegal/immoral activity? Do they need it to get by? Is he financially supporting them so they have to accept it? Are they doing similar or worse? How does Nich feel about this?

Overall, I would love to read any book that had Nich in it, and I’m really glad I got the pleasure of seeing his character in such depth!

@HighPockets group

Aw thanks!!

  1. He considers himself part of the 'poor' and he mainly gives to Nell, Joan, and occasionally small children. Mostly it's just a theoretical belief for the most part. He's almost constantly on the move so he doesn't really have a grudge against specific people, except for his ex-friend Alexei Mourton, who he worked with a few times before Mourton tried to kill him.
  2. As for Twyllite, it's less of a race and more of what country he's from.
  3. Nell doesn't like taking part in illegal activities, and busies herself by learning first aid. Joan is fine with it, and often helps Nich. They need it to get by, and Nich pretty much gets as much enjoyment out of each con as he can by being as charismatic as he can.

Thanks for the critique it was really good!! If you want, I can link Nell and Joan if you want to look them over as well?

@HighPockets group

WOW!! Ro is amazing!!!
I like that the main character/'Harry' of the trio is a POC female. That's a great step forward from white 'chosen one' boys.
I like all of the detail for her eyes and hair, down to the eyelash length and undertones.
Mannerisms are great again, the 'So…' thing is 100% relateable.
Water magic is awesome and beautiful and I want it.
Some questions:

  1. How far does her water magic extend? I know you mentioned controlling water and not drowning, but can she speak to sea creatures or control indoor plumbing?
  2. Why is she called 'Ro'? Is it a natural shortening? Does she find the name 'Rowana' pretentious or old fashioned or ugly?
    Not as many questions as before, but I cannot find anything to critique!!

Name

Thank-you for all the feedback on Rowana!

  1. Her water magic is mostly just the physical manipulation of water, to Ro’s massive disappointment, and once the magic goes beyond where she can see it, it’s kind of like a remote control car when you can’t see it: She CAN control it, but she really has no clue how the car/water is interacting with it’s environment. So she could control indoor plumbing, but not to the extent where she uses it across the street or anything (thanks for the plumbing idea, by the way, that absolutely sounds like something she would do). She can not communicate with sea creatures beyond the sort of stuff that Dori does with whales in Finding Dori and Finding Nemo. The not drowning thing is less that she’s breathing water and more that she’s forcing the water away from her face, creating an air bubble she can breath in.
  2. Frankly, I never really thought about it. I think she would see Rowana as too proper a name for herself, but I doubt she would see it as ugly or a bad name. Just not the right name for her, similar to how being queen was not the right job for her. She would probably associate her full name with her life as princess heir, actually, and her nickname with Eengloh and the freedom she gets as a mage. Thanks for the idea, I didn’t ever put much thought into her name(s), but they actually hold a lot more meaning then I ever realized!

On to the fantastic medic: I really like Nell! Gosh, I just want to protect her, she’s so extremely likeable and sweet! I love seeing the different ways Nich and Nell reacted to their childhood traumas and the rebellion situation in general. They both closed off and opened up in different areas, and it’s interesting seeing the interactions and dynamics between them resulting from this. Honestly, she stands well as a symbol of everything lost during the rebellion: innocence, naivety, the luxury of giving others the benefit of the doubt. At first glance, she seems like a simple, cinnamon roll sort of girl that needs to be constantly protected, but she has scars. She lived through the same times as Nich, and I love that extra layer! She does remind me a substantial amount of Primrose from the Hunger Games, if you’ve seen or read it.

  1. Her rosy cheeks definitely fit her personality, but I have to question them, as rosy cheeks tend to be a sign of good health. Is her diet, though small, balanced? She would certainly be thin and athletic, but I’m not sure about healthy. Maybe Nich goes without just enough to keep her healthy? If so, that’s actually really cute.
  2. When did Nich and her start forming a relationship? You say that no one helped her as a poor child. I’m assuming it just wasn’t in Nich’s ability to help her, since he wasn’t much older at the time and probably was struggling himself?
  3. I am seriously curious what the government did to spark such a rebellion, and what her parents did to attract the attention of said government. It would be interesting if it was something medical, or if Nell accidentally played a part in her parents’ demise (maybe telling that nice government man their address? I dunno.)?

Honestly, I’m having a tough time finding enough flaws to write a respectable critique! Most of this is just personal curiousity at this point! I really like Nell, I feel like she compliments Nich well and has the perfect amount of depth and unique character traits! Kai’s profile isn’t quite ready yet, you want to link me Joan in the meantime?

@HighPockets group

Thanks!! Nell is a smol, and I did base her a bit off of Prim (except she won't die senselessly).

  1. I'd say that Nich and Joan do end up giving Nell as much as they can, they both are very protective of her (Nich moreso because her kidnapping happened when he left her alone, and Joan because she's the only immidiate family member left).
  2. Nich was too caught up in his own issues when Nell and Joan were orphaned, and they found him, after searching long and hard, in an alleyway surrounded by blood from his first shoulder injury. Nell, being an aspiring medic, helped him regain health. He didn't even know about his aunt and uncle's death at the time.
  3. As for the government, well….I can't say much without giving away a lot of plot. But I can say that this isn't the only time they've orphaned children. I really like the idea of Young!Nell giving the nice soldier her parent's address, do you mind if I use that?

Here's Joan, if you don't mind!

Name

Just finished Kai! Sorry for the delay in communication, school and work was extra busy this week! Here’s Kai’s profile:

(And happy belated birthday to Joan!)

As for Joan: I love that she’s a bad liar! I can really see that being a major weakness, especially in the revolution (could be fun to have that as the catalyst for an action scene, like trying to sneak in somewhere and she tries to lie her way in, leading to a fight between her and the guards). I kept thinking as I read through the beginning of her profile, “Man this girl is self-conscious!”, and then I saw her background and it made so much sense! Only a few questions this time:

  1. How did she make her living on the streets? She probably couldn’t be a con with her lying skills, and would have a tough time getting odd jobs with her icy shell. Did she pickpocket, or did she find a community of other kids on the streets, or something else?
  2. How far is she self-taught? How did she make the time to educate herself on the streets, and how did she access the materials to do so? Is there a public library, or does she know a guy, or what?
    Overall, she’s a great character, and I think she really balances out the dynamic with the other two well!

@HighPockets group

KAI IS AWESOME!!! Seriously, I love the backstory, the hair, and the fire magic!! Some questions though, but not many:

  • He's the youngest of the trio, right? Do they ever look down on him (intentionally or not) or tease him because of his age?
  • Does his fire magic have any physical side affects, like burns or high body tempurture? Also, how easily can he control it?
  • How do Kai, Addy, and Ro meet? Magic school? Dumb luck?

As for Joan….

  1. She's a pickpocket, as are Nich and Nell quite often. She does know some people, but she's frequently 'travelling' aka on the run and so she doesn't often see them. She also tends to have an enthusiastic persona she puts on if she really, really needs a job.
  2. She was homeschooled by her parents before they died, and she reached a pretty high level of schooling then. She steals a lot of random books (that's how Nell got her medical books).

Should we keep going with more characters?

Name

I would love to, if you’re up for it! Most of my other characters aren’t completely recorded in notebook.ai yet, and I’ll be a bit slow during the school/work week, but I would really like to keep going! You can link yours first, if you like. I don’t have a character quite ready yet for you, but I’ll link them as soon as they are!

@Overdoneyanoveltropeyesplease

(Hey, guys, I'm kinda new so forgive me if I'm not understanding.)

Not exactly sure how this works (there were so many words lol), but if I link my main protagonist female, would any of you look it over and many venture to some of my other characters (not all of them are filled out yet, though, oops)? I’ll for sure look over any of yours as soon as I get a chance. Just tell me what to do.

@Darkblossom group

If a character or world is public, it is possible that people will look at it even if you don’t give a link. They can just click on your name. Tell me if that answers your question!

@Darkblossom group

You go to your character page, there are some buttons at the top. Press the one with three dots in a weird formation. There should be a link that you copy and past in places to show the character to people. There is also a little switch-thing that if you press will make your character public. You can’t share characters unless they are public or in a public universe.