forum character critique
Started by @I'mamuffin
tune

people_alt 2 followers

@CinnamonRoll

Yay!! I will~! Top down…

Hmm. Okay. I was getting really excited for her, with the good name and description, but I have to say that the personality page is a little bare-bones. For starters, I would move what you currently have as mannerisms into flaws or personality type and add some physical tics instead. For example: 'Clenches fists when angry,' 'Bites nails when nervous.' Little stuff like that will make your character seem more human!! Also, what you currently have as a prejudice is more of a flaw. Prejudices would be things/people/groups that she is biased against due to past experiences. Again, it just adds depth! Talents are good, but… no hobbies? Yes, business is fine, but did she use to have a hobby? Is there something she wishes she had more time for? All these little blips do a LOT in making your character more three-dimensional.

The social page looks OK, but everything is sort of 2D. Maybe add some ~unexpected~ traits to your character! ONLY hardcore stuff makes a character lifeless. Also, if she's in the mafia, why doesn't she care about politics? They would (theoretically) influence the mafia, right? Also, I always add if my characters are liberal or not. For some reason, that helps me understand them.

Okay, it's 1931 now!! That. Is. Awesome!! Just… that sounds so fun. However, her backstory is making me sad. You NEED to tell me more about Rose, not just her family. Tell me why she shuts down when she's intimidated, why she misses her mother so much, why she's so hardened. You absolutely must prop those traits up in her backstory, else they just sorta fall flat.

My ~final~ critique is actually the fact that she's so hardened. Some character are, yes, but if it's a main character, you HAVE to give a little leeway. I keep reading this and I see 'mafia boss's daughter' over and over. That's it. That's all I can get from what you have: stubborn, ambitious…. it's not deep enough. When you mentioned singing, I got SO excited!! That kind of depth really brings characters to the next level (see: demonic priestesses with secret artistic talents).

Overall? Definitely a strong base. You've got some good traits, a believable appearance, and the foundations of a backstory. Just give Rose a few more layers to give her the most character depth you possibly can!!

I hope that this helps you!! :DD