forum Character Critique?
Started by @SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group
tune

people_alt 2 followers

@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

I would love to critique your character!

Awesome! Thanks! I'm even including a excerpt from the story that he's in, for I think that you'll understand him better by seeing how he acts within the plot.

He sets the dog down, and sees the devil’s trap. He looks up quickly. “What’s the meaning of this, Nadia Thorn?” He snaps. He looks angry. The dog goes and cowers behind William’s legs, despite William being the actual threat.
“I was advised I should talk to you.” Nadia says. She wore a pair of shorts and a tight shirt. William glares at her.
“I don’t think that putting me in a devil’s trap was needed just for you to talk to me, Nadia. All you had to do was call.”
“Well, you see, I was going to leave, but then I thought why not talk to William.” Nadia mutters more to herself. “I think it’s time we had a chat.” She pulls up a chair and sits down. William continues glaring at her.
“Let me out of this thing, and we’ll talk alright.” Fucking bitch, trapping me here. He looks down at the dog at his feet. “Besides, this dog and I have some business to take care of.”
“Let you out? Well see, if I do that, who says you’ll stay to chat?” She pauses to glance at the dog. “Now? I'm sure the business can wait.” Nadia states and looks at him. In the corner she turns on the TV. Having recorded the news, she plays it. “See, the thing is, I know you did this. I am not George; I don’t make sealed deals. I am going to ask you to stop killing in mass numbers, and people who have families and lives; murderers are fine, criminals are fine, not innocent people.
“Oh, that! I was just having a little fun, no harm in that. Is there?” The dog barks in response to William’s question.
“Yes there's harm in that.” Nadia states. “Why is it you can't just kill people who have no meaning in life, like those who deserve to die?”
“I take it that George forgot to tell you that part of our deal is that I can kill whoever, whenever, wherever, and however as long it’s not anyone working for him. Stupid old man, always forgetting to say important things!”
“No, he told me that. Unlike him though, some of us don’t need others combing this area for a serial killer, and for the record, it's not that hard to kill people who aren't innocent.” William snorts.
"Just so you know; everyone in that building was guilty of something. Lust, greed, gluttony, laziness, wrath, envy, pride; any of these ringing a bell for you? I happened to kill a couple that were trapping children in their basement to have sex with them. I could go on and on!”
“And you yourself are guilty of lust, pride, and who knows what else.” Nadia looks at him. “And as for the couple, would you like a brownie?”
“That’s entirely different. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m a demon! We pride ourselves on mayhem and manslaughter! After all, what would ‘good’ be without ‘evil’; nothing! So I go out and burn a building full of people down, boo fucking hoo!”
“You know you have a soul.” Nadia points out.
“Don’t make me laugh; I lost that thing a long time ago.”
“Actually, in my view, that’s all a demon is, a corrupted soul that lost their way.” William stared at her, and started to slowly crack the floor behind him.
“Well yippee for you.”
“Thank you.” She says sarcastically. “But the thing is if you don't stop you’re on your own with George and everything else. Either we set boundaries here or you can leave, which entitles me quitting and then hunting you.” Nadia states. The devil’s trap breaks, and William goes to step out only to be blocked. He looks up to see the Key of Solomon painted on the ceiling.
“You clever bitch!” He telekinetically throws Nadia to the wall. “I’ll let you go if you promise to let me out.”
“Sorry, but no.” She says calmly. William looks disappointed.
“Then we’ll both be here for a very long time.” He sits down, making himself more comfortable.
“I figured we would be.”
“You know, this is actually the first time that I’ve been out here; on Earth, I mean. George was my first deal. He and I are gonna have fun once time’s up for him, and I am very much looking forward to that day. The things I have planned!” He smiles.
“Fun for you. I’d ask if you want a cookie, but I really don't think I’d give you one even if I had one.” Nadia rolls her eyes. William lets loose a bark of laughter the likes of which Nadia hasn’t heard from him before. It sends a chill down her spine.
“Maybe we could work out a deal…. It’ll cost you though.” He says, an eyebrow raised.
“I'm not some fool. I don’t make deals with demons.”
“Oh, so she’s not stupid after all! Wise and beautiful. One can admire that.”
“I don't take well to flattery, and stupid, no; I have more knowledge than most. The only way out of here is for one to make a set of boundaries; rules or whatever you want to call them, or you can off me.” William smiles, and slowly starts to crush her airway. He stops, and smiles wickedly.
“Killing you does sound fun and all, but then I’d be losing my murdering sidekick, wouldn’t I? No, it’s better to let you live. So let’s say I stop killing these so called ‘innocent people’, what’s in it for me?”

@castcool

Is his hair naturally red or dyed? Maybe this is just me being picky, but I tend to go really in depth with characters' bodies and make it fit with the plot (for example, one of my characters is a rape survivor, but his trauma leads him to developing an eating disorder [which effects his body]) so I would maybe add a bit more for body type? Also add more mannerisms (does he fidget? what does he do when nervous? angry? excited?). How can he control electricity and water? What are the Princes of Hell? Elaborate on that a bit more in the background. Oh! I love Cujo! Nice horror reference for a demon story!

@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

It's naturally black with red tips. He can telekinetically control electricity and water. That's covered in the story itself. Yeah, I LOVE Stephen King novels! Thanks, I'll go through and include that. You've helped me see what I need to go over!

@castcool

Burned his brother alive? Wow. That has to affect him psychologically in SOME way. Also, you wrote that he's a Christian. Is he super strict or more spiritual? How does having pyrokinetic powers and murdering his brother affect his faith? Framed him of what? Why does he like being feared? Otherwise, pretty solid character.