forum Can you critique this guy?

Started August 31, 2018 by @sharkfinn_ey

tune

Jaden still working on it, could use some advice

could you give me like some personality, so something like if someone fainted how he would react, because seeing how characters would react in a crisis can really help develop characters

As I'm still figuring out the storyline and how my characters fit in it, I didn't come up with any specific ways they'd react.
So far I've updated Jaden with the following 'reactings/traits';
Will get very angry and protective when something happens to his friends. Isn't afraid to get messy and violent when needed. Will try to fix things himself before getting help. Falls over his words when in panic, normally straight to the point.

(placing them here so you don't have to read through the whole character and search for this). Some traits may change.

Hope this gave you some more insight!

ooh it's really cool, he sounds really nice

Heyo! I'll take a look

-Overview
Looks good! Does he have a last name? (If not, that's fine! A few of my characters don't have last names for good reason.)

-Looks
It's good that it's average weight, but a specific weight could also be helpful!
What shade of black does he have? Does he have some sort of streaks in his hair?
I believe the way you described his skin tone might work, but maybe something like honey or golden could describe it well?

-Nature
The schedule that he has is great! However, it might not apply to mannerisms. Mannerisms are nervous habits or ways that he talks and walks and carries himself. If he has a schedule and stresses if he misses a cup, then maybe he might get a little antsy when that happens, and maybe he's normally stoic, being calm when his schedule is going as planned.
Considering he drinks a lot of tea and coffee, he might be shaky and antsy. All that caffeine and sugar has to be let out somehow!
If he's a trainer, he might have a few more talents up his sleeve
His fears might fall under his flaws
Those bad social habits could fall under his mannerisms
In fact a few of the personality traits fall under different categories. The personality might be more towards how he treats others, how he treats himself, how he reacts to things in general, and so on.

-Social
I notice the religion and politics is missing. If he's non-religious, he could be atheistic or agnostic. It might also help develop your character to explain why he's non-religious! If he ignores politics, that's understandable, but why does he ignore politics? Why does he have certain political beliefs?
Now, a quick tip, with all the favorites, add in the answer to "why?" Why is that his favorite food? Why is that his favorite color?

-History
This is a very good story! How did he become an assassin? Was Lincoln the reason he started to hate his job?

I love this character and his potential! I hope I helped, haha

Heyo! I'll take a look

-Overview
Looks good! Does he have a last name? (If not, that's fine! A few of my characters don't have last names for good reason.)

-Looks
It's good that it's average weight, but a specific weight could also be helpful!
What shade of black does he have? Does he have some sort of streaks in his hair?
I believe the way you described his skin tone might work, but maybe something like honey or golden could describe it well?

-Nature
The schedule that he has is great! However, it might not apply to mannerisms. Mannerisms are nervous habits or ways that he talks and walks and carries himself. If he has a schedule and stresses if he misses a cup, then maybe he might get a little antsy when that happens, and maybe he's normally stoic, being calm when his schedule is going as planned.
Considering he drinks a lot of tea and coffee, he might be shaky and antsy. All that caffeine and sugar has to be let out somehow!
If he's a trainer, he might have a few more talents up his sleeve
His fears might fall under his flaws
Those bad social habits could fall under his mannerisms
In fact a few of the personality traits fall under different categories. The personality might be more towards how he treats others, how he treats himself, how he reacts to things in general, and so on.

-Social
I notice the religion and politics is missing. If he's non-religious, he could be atheistic or agnostic. It might also help develop your character to explain why he's non-religious! If he ignores politics, that's understandable, but why does he ignore politics? Why does he have certain political beliefs?
Now, a quick tip, with all the favorites, add in the answer to "why?" Why is that his favorite food? Why is that his favorite color?

-History
This is a very good story! How did he become an assassin? Was Lincoln the reason he started to hate his job?

I love this character and his potential! I hope I helped, haha

Thank you for the broad judgement/tips/advice etc!!
I write things as they come to me, so his board is kinda messy because of that haha, but I'll come back and fix that later.
I believe some would call his hair raven black as it's kinda silky and doesn't have streaks in it. I'm still researching the average weight for fit males (want to get that right as I see so many underweight characters), but will put it in when I decide on that.

I haven't decided his politics yet, but he's very open-minded and pro-choice. He's the kind of person to openly protest with other people. Kinda like Captain America's 'I don't like bullies, wherever they're from'.
For religion, probably going with the 'there is something like a deity but I can't put my finger on it' kind of thing. Does that have a specific name?

He gets very stressed out when he misses a cup, being all like 'now I have to wait for the next cup and that will be HOURS'. If he doesn't get it on time, he doesn't get it at all. He is very active due to the caffeine, but has a strong focus. He shakes a little, mostly his legs.

Still working on all his skills and the exact why of becoming an assasin haha, so that will be updated soon. The fact that he has over 10 years of Krav Maga training is also one of the more important skills.
He does indeed start disliking his job because of Lincoln, and he does think of quitting, 'but not just yet, just this last assignment'. More like, if there's a very interesting assignment he might still take it.

Hope that cleared things for you! Thanks again and have a great day :)

if he believes he can't ever really know whats up there, like a god or deity or anything, then he's agnostic. so basically, he doesn't make any choices about what he believes, he just believe that there is a possibility that there is something. im doing a crap job at explaining this tho lol, so just search up the definition

a person who believes that nothing is known or can be known of the existence or nature of God. found the definition lol

a person who believes that nothing is known or can be known of the existence or nature of God. found the definition lol

Thanks, that helped a lot haha

all good :)

Body Type
I would suggest adding a couple of things here. Being 'well built' can mean any number of things; if his body firm? Is he soft with a layer of muscle underneath? Is he visibly toned? Pointing out other little things can bring him to life more. Does he have a strong jawline, high cheekbones? Broad shoulder, wide hips, thick thighs? You can even look up 'male body shapes' for other descriptors (such as inverted triangle).

Personality Type
He sounds interesting and really dynamic! But it can be hard to follow the personality traits you've laid out since you're a bit all over the map. I would suggest trying to organize the information a bit more into more coherent paragraphs; positive traits ("Sweetheart when it comes to little kids and animals. Rather keeps his distance from other adults." tacking that last part on may seem like it would belong in the negative traits but it's one idea, so I would keep them together), negative traits ("Needs to chill, isolates himself a lot." could be changed to something like "has a hard time relaxing, and frequently isolates himself"), nervous ticks ("Shakes his legs a lot, probably due to all the caffeine."), and then more miscellaneous things ("Has some old, but never fading anger inside. Will use this as 'fuel' in combat.")

In my experience, the more organized and - quite frankly - detailed a character's personality type is, the stronger they seem and if the information is organized it's just that much easier for someone unfamiliar with them to get to know them more easily! :)

Flaws
Sometimes things can be listed as a flaw when they can double as both a flaw AND a strength - I suggest explaining why a mentioned flaw is worth mentioning. For example, "Strict when it comes to time, for himself as well." Does he frequently forgo breakfast/lunch and spend part of the day hungry because of his need to be on time? Does it make his health suffer, or cause him to upset other people? You did just that when you pointed out that he drinks too much tea & coffee, so good job on that.

Motivations
This is more of a suggestion than anything; if you consider persistence to be a motivation of his, I strongly suggest you mention that he is stubborn somewhere. Those two traits usually go hand in hand; it's hard to be persistent if you have weak willpower.

tldr;
Everything else looks pretty good, especially since I know you mentioned that you were still working some things out. You seem to have Jaden figured out quite well already; you have pretty much all the necessary information conveyed, I think. Well done! :)

Thanks! I just organized him a little (far from perfect though) with your tips. Organizing characters by sort of traits is really helpfull.
Also added a bit to the body-type section. He's overall toned and does have a semi-sharp jawline. Forgot to mention his stubbornness here, but it was present in the story.
Thanks a lot for the advice and looking at him!

No problem! He sounds super interesting, and character profiles are a particular passion of mine so I was glad to help.