forum Can someone critique these characters?
Started by Rory
tune

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For Queen Imelda:

  1. add some other names! Her royal highness, your royal highness, etc.
  2. "Petite Slim hourglass figure with generally small features (hands, feet etc). This petite frame of hers helps with her unimposing facade." a bit redundant. maybe just say "petite hourglass figure". what you've written almost makes her seem frail.
  3. don't know if "pale white" is a thing. try porcelain.
  4. wow there's not much to critique here but you say "ditzy facade" twice if that really bothers you :,)
  5. on politics - whose power
  6. maybe add one thing she values above some others, even if its not a favorite possession per se. for example her crown, because it symbolizes her power (or something).
  7. you use a bit of a monotone voice in the background section, despite it almost sounding like a narrative. for example, "She is even cleverer and shrewder than her father but what good is all that if people expect it of you. She'd rather people underestimated her and were surprised instead of knowing what she was capable. " maybe treat it a bit more like a list as it will help make it more concise and easy to use when the time comes.

For Cecelia Bishop:

  1. I would personally be a bit less inclined to call her beauty "killer" - after all, you've said she has an eating disorder. if that's true, there are going to be some other signs of that as well, such as eye bags and a gaunt look. if it's in the early stages as you say, however, then maybe you could get away with it, but sooner or later it will become an obsession and people will start to realize.
  2. i like that you've added all of the stereotypical "Queen Bee" characteristics but with an added layer, though you've almost gone over-the-top in adding all of the characteristics that make her the Mean Girl. give her a motive other than hiding her insecurities. there are many different ways to do this, one of them being laughing off the pain or pretending it doesn't exist. why is she quite so detestable? is it because she needed the attention at home, and that kind of thing worked, so it spilled over into her social life? more dimensions to her, please!
  3. i also find it a bit hard to believe that she only has minions. my (though very limited) experience with these kinds of girls is that they have friends, but the friends are just as mean and judgmental (if not more). they are also often the reason for her popularity - a group of "It Girls" all together in one backstabbing group with never-ending drama. Maybe she was a late addition and is the way she is because that's how they want her to be, and she doesn't want to lose her status.
  4. all in all she seems pretty stereotypical. i would maybe give her a bit more difference than your obvious "Queen Bee" girls. you've got some individuality in there, but exploit it!

For Hana Mariko:

  1. if she's almost Japanese her skin most likely won't be that pale.
  2. are her scars on her body? what kind of scars are they? is that how the dresses hide them? and if they're hidden, are they really identifying?
  3. if she has scars on her body, why aren't there any on her face?
  4. you have a lot of slender, pale, perfect characters. just a heads up, you might want to add a little diversity.
  5. don't put reserved and introverted as a flaw. introversion is not a bad thing. i also wouldn't put superficial - trying to overcome her cowardice is not a surface-deep thing. she at least has some depth to her.
  6. i'm not sure how she can be naive and manipulative at the same time. i'm getting mixed vibes from her - is she a Mean Girl or is she the future warrior?
  7. i don't think you can really put "doesn't care" in religion as that means she could be practicing a ton of different religions because she "doesn't care". that's just what came to mind when i read it. if she doesn't believe in anything, make her an atheist.
  8. i'm still getting mixed signals. she seems really smart, but if her favorite possession is her closet, i'm not sure what's going on in her head.

all in all not bad! some of your characters need some more development, though. remember that people are like onions - there are many, many layers to them and sometimes different flavors depending on the layer. (weird analogy, i know). so far, you've got a good start! keep at it!