forum Can someone critique my protagonist?
Started by Rory
tune

people_alt 1 follower

Deleted user

OK YOU ASKED FOR IT (but you don't have to change anything ok she's your character)

  1. what do you mean spiky hair? does it stick out or is it just unkempt? is it pixie-cut short (otherwise she would almost definitely have to gel it to make it spiky) does she gel it anyways to make it really spiky?
  2. shape of birthmark. sounds weird, but it's hard envisioning a birth mark with no description. it's just an amorphous blob.
  3. i don't think the fact that she "likes to think she's altruistic" is a motivation. perhaps becoming or proving the fact that she's altruistic could be. you could put "likes to think she's altruistic" as a flaw or personality trait. and, depending on the plot line, how is her motivation to be pretty actually helpful/even a motivation at all?
    3.5 as an added note, her flaws don't make her sound altruistic at all, so maybe it's not even partially true. arrogant? definitely.
  4. why that specific prejudice? unless there's no exact reason and she just can't explain it, clarify.
  5. what do you mean?? "don't put labels on everything" personality type?? just explain what she's like. as stated above you could put "likes to think she's altruistic". right now it just seems like she's all flaws and no person.
  6. fave possession: why.
  7. birthday: include year, so you know what grade she's in. Has she graduated high school? probably not, seeing her age, but including birthdays helps plan your timeline before things get too confusing. \
  8. is the sensei gay. just clarifying lmao (idk if it's deliberate or not)
  9. trained like her mother - how was her mother trained? what even was her mother's occupation if she was trained? and if her mother was killed just after Noriko found out abt the fact that they were hiding, how would she know
  10. uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh if she trained for 12 years she would have been 5 when the incident happened. if she also has a high school education how is she going to juggle the academy and training?
  11. pets: what's the dog's name that's super important (also does she take care of it? how does the whole group go with it? it might be tough to try and take care of a dog: feeding, walking, picking up, vet checkups, etc. when ur trying to be a hero. i love the idea of a random dog, but it sometimes isn't logical.)
    and that's it! nice job on her character. also maybe include her role in the team. is she the captain? if so, i'm not sure if the team would be the greatest ever, just because some of her traits make her seem like a just-slightly-less-than-optimal captain.
    anyways as stated above you don't have to follow any of the above this is only advice

Rory

Thanks a lot you were a great help! And just to clarify, yes her sensei is gay. She kind of lives at his dojo so she'd come home from school and train. Her desire to be pretty was just to show how despite being a master swordswoman she is still a teenager with her own issues. And the academy is after high school and training. It's like superhero university only it's essentially redundant and only exists because a comic book nerd inherited some power in the government through nepotism.