forum Can someone critique my Isaac baby?
Started by Poppy Jeffs
tune

people_alt 44 followers

@darling-velocipede group

Hi, Poppy! I'm FlowerQueen, and I have quite a lot to say about Isaac, if your interested in reading (:

  • Overview- I like his name and the aliases that go with it. They go with the Greek god vibe. Why is he presented as 25 though? Did he choose it for vanity? Is it somehow symbolic to him? You could really do something there.
  • Looks- You choose a good realistic weight and height. I love how you describe his eye color- the "seems they could tell their own story, feels like galaxies nest inside" bit is really amazing and you should use it in the real writing!
  • Nature- I have a lot to unpack here, so I'm gonna ramble a little. It's worth it to choose a few mannerisms because they make any character seem more real. These can be just little habits and tics, or have some sort of meaning. For example, my character Maddox presses his hand to his left temple when he's upset to hide the mark that glows when he experiences a strong emotion. They can also be how a character acts when experiencing a certain thing, like how some people get cranky when their hungry or slur their words when tired. If you're having trouble coming up with some, here's a link to a few examples: https://blog.reedsy.com/characters-mannerisms/ You have to scroll down a bit but there's several good list and a hundred ideas. I love the motivation. You could stand to be a little more specific- does he not wanna leave the world cause he'd miss his boyfriend or does he not wanna leave the world cause it'd hurt his boyfriend? The selfish motivation or the "him above me" motivation? Prejudices- I'd love if you expanded on this! I'm sure you've already got what the bias against the best friend and the boyfriend is worked out, but I'd just love to know. Just by reading this character profile I'm already kinda invested in your story! (: You should definitely choose some talents- it helps counter out some of the many (good) flaws you've chosen. Talents shouldn't be just like "he is good at playing the mandolin!" they should be things that go with the flaws. For example, because he's distrusting, maybe he's good at telling when a situation is dangerous? Maybe because he's overly emotional he's good at listening to others express their emotions? He won't seem real if he's just bad at everything. Finally, his personality is very… complicated. Maybe a little too complicated. I have a feeling you might just be using a lot of words to describe it, but you could cut down on everything you list, maybe to 3 or 4 traits like @half-baked_art was suggesting. My main problem, though, is with the first thing you list: logical and over-emotional. These things are basically opposites, and CANNOT exist together! Logic will tell him to push aside his emotions and make decisions that make sense in the long run. Being overemotional will cause him to push aside logic in favor of rash decisions that make sense at the time. Choose your favorite and go! I do love the cry baby with long grudges bit though. That'll be fun to write.
  • Social- I'm just glad you filled all of these out! A lot of people skip them because they seem frivolous, but in the long run they help flesh things out.
  • WHOA. I was not expecting all of that in the background field. That was dark and pretty confusing, but I'm gonna leave it alone since I guess it fits with your story.

Overall, this is a really good character, who, with a little work and patience, could become a great one. I'd love to see the profile for the boyfriend as well! Good luck, Poppy!

<3 FlowerQueen

Poppy Jeffs

Hi, Poppy! I'm FlowerQueen, and I have quite a lot to say about Isaac, if your interested in reading (:

  • Overview- I like his name and the aliases that go with it. They go with the Greek god vibe. Why is he presented as 25 though? Did he choose it for vanity? Is it somehow symbolic to him? You could really do something there.
  • Looks- You choose a good realistic weight and height. I love how you describe his eye color- the "seems they could tell their own story, feels like galaxies nest inside" bit is really amazing and you should use it in the real writing!
  • Nature- I have a lot to unpack here, so I'm gonna ramble a little. It's worth it to choose a few mannerisms because they make any character seem more real. These can be just little habits and tics, or have some sort of meaning. For example, my character Maddox presses his hand to his left temple when he's upset to hide the mark that glows when he experiences a strong emotion. They can also be how a character acts when experiencing a certain thing, like how some people get cranky when their hungry or slur their words when tired. If you're having trouble coming up with some, here's a link to a few examples: https://blog.reedsy.com/characters-mannerisms/ You have to scroll down a bit but there's several good list and a hundred ideas. I love the motivation. You could stand to be a little more specific- does he not wanna leave the world cause he'd miss his boyfriend or does he not wanna leave the world cause it'd hurt his boyfriend? The selfish motivation or the "him above me" motivation? Prejudices- I'd love if you expanded on this! I'm sure you've already got what the bias against the best friend and the boyfriend is worked out, but I'd just love to know. Just by reading this character profile I'm already kinda invested in your story! (: You should definitely choose some talents- it helps counter out some of the many (good) flaws you've chosen. Talents shouldn't be just like "he is good at playing the mandolin!" they should be things that go with the flaws. For example, because he's distrusting, maybe he's good at telling when a situation is dangerous? Maybe because he's overly emotional he's good at listening to others express their emotions? He won't seem real if he's just bad at everything. Finally, his personality is very… complicated. Maybe a little too complicated. I have a feeling you might just be using a lot of words to describe it, but you could cut down on everything you list, maybe to 3 or 4 traits like @half-baked_art was suggesting. My main problem, though, is with the first thing you list: logical and over-emotional. These things are basically opposites, and CANNOT exist together! Logic will tell him to push aside his emotions and make decisions that make sense in the long run. Being overemotional will cause him to push aside logic in favor of rash decisions that make sense at the time. Choose your favorite and go! I do love the cry baby with long grudges bit though. That'll be fun to write.
  • Social- I'm just glad you filled all of these out! A lot of people skip them because they seem frivolous, but in the long run they help flesh things out.
  • WHOA. I was not expecting all of that in the background field. That was dark and pretty confusing, but I'm gonna leave it alone since I guess it fits with your story.

Overall, this is a really good character, who, with a little work and patience, could become a great one. I'd love to see the profile for the boyfriend as well! Good luck, Poppy!

<3 FlowerQueen

Thank yOu!! Uh, also, illogical, oops thanks for pointing that out- yeah, his kinda new and i revamped him a little, he's still got a lot to go <3

also sorry some of may be a little confusing?? Probably because i write everything without rereading it when its not that important, I only reread my literature, oops, i really need to get out of that habit,

i was a bit confused around the mannerisms, I thought they meant like, formalities, etc. ahah- but yeah im rewriting that part because he does have a lotta quirks :))

THank you so mUCH THOOOOO