forum Can someone critique my character? Please?
Started by Grace
tune

people_alt 4 followers

@Becfromthedead group

Looks: I think such a large growth spurt in a girl over the age of 11 or 12 is really uncommon. Most of the women I grew up got taller between the ages of 10 and 13, then only gained an inch or two from there. The heights and weights match up just fine, though, and the body type works. (Ectomorph means thin, correct?)
Nature: Maybe a little more in the mannerism section? Does she have any nervous habits? Also she seems to be a little contradictory in personality type. She sounds brave to me. Brave people feel fear too, they can just push past it. Also smart but often lacks common sense? I think I know what you're getting at (mostly because I'm one of those people), but it could use a little more explanation. Is she book smart, but is also the idiot who pushes a door that clearly says pull? Or is she more of a usually smart, strategic person whose judgement is often clouded by emotion? Also based on her overall nature, proving herself could definitely go under motivations if you wanted.

Social: Occupation- Okay, so I went through the whole profile, and I was thinking, "how's she going to do this if she dropped out of high school?" Technically she didn't, she just stopped going to a physical school, so you might want to make that more clear.
Politics- She's going to have some sort of views. You don't have to talk about in the story, but I don't think anyone is 100% apolitical, so at least give her a spot on the right/left spectrum, or say that her views are independent, or something.
Religion- I'm not sure what things are like in your world, but I wouldn't suggest placing a hypothetical religion for the sake of it. Is she not religious in the books, or is it just not mentioned? If she straight up doesn't have one, she's probably agnostic. If she has a religion, but this is a different world, make a religion. (Sorry if that doesn't make sense)

Everything else looks fine to me.

Deleted user

HI OKAY
so i went full-on nitpicking towards the end, because she's pretty well-written (sorry). there's nothing necessarily wrong or missing, but these are just suggestions that i might include in one of my characters.

  1. why is she called Siren?
  2. more identifying marks! what would make her stand out/recognizable in a picture?
  3. If she is stronger than her age, she will have some muscle showing. That's a given. Also, there's a bit of a grammar error there and it was hard to understand :((
  4. I don't think it's possible to have "pale white"
  5. Oh my god she's quite underweight,, if she has muscle she's going to be pretty heavy! muscle weighs more than fat
  6. what is the Miracle Elite?
  7. i don't think you can say this: "Not very brave, can get scared easily, but she will do something that brave people would." She can still be brave even if she's easily frightened. She might not be reckless, per se, but she's still brave.
  8. this is quite confusing: "She definitely has her limits but its almost like it's a squiggly line. If there are levels of stupidity and examples of that, it's like there are things from each level that she would do." Try saying she's spontaneous or doesn't appear to have a clear limit.
  9. "And she's a very good liar, very good at making up stories as they go. Has saved their butts many times because of this." maybe say quick thinker or silver-tongued. i don't think it's super necessary to say she's saved their butts, just that it's helped with sticky situations.
  10. she can't be gullible if she knows when someone is telling a lie and is stubborn,,
  11. say "self-loathes" instead of that list. people who are self-depreciating will understand. (i certainly do.)
  12. Don't put "has negative thoughts sometimes". everyone does! it's a fact of life!! it's impossible for anyone to never have a single bad thought in their life.
  13. say "wanting revenge for the ruin of her childhood…" otherwise it sounds like her motivation is having her childhood ruined.
  14. her motivation is her friend: what about the friend? finding them? making them happy? protecting them? also, grammar error: "returning the world to the way it should be."
  15. You've already stated she's a good liar.
  16. "gesticulates" might be a concise way of saying she uses her hands.
  17. Fave animal section is a bit wordy…
  18. it sounds like you're talking to the reader in the weapons section. unless you wanted that, i don't recommend it. so maybe instead of saying "Okay, so she has a few favorite weapons, having had many experiences with them. But she loves the bow. Like absolutely loves it. She's not a Katniss, but she's good. She also likes using bombs, like mini hand grenades. And some types of guns. Some." Say "has a few preferred weapons, but out of all of them (bombs, mini hand grenades, and a select few types of guns), her favorite is the bow, though she's not exceptional with it."
  19. ok so you've written a lot of the stuff in the social category like this… some of it is a bit redundant. if she doesn't have a favorite possession, just say "she doesn't have one, though she is incredibly protective of her plethora of books and notebooks." i wouldn't include her siblings in favorite possession.
  20. fave food: just say she absolutely loves chocolate but also enjoys desserts!
  21. this is all very wordy. "Her favorite color is blue. Her next favorite is red. She also likes pastel colors, so pastel purple, yellow, and pink she likes." just say she likes blue, but also red, as well as pastel colors. there's no need to use so many words!!
  22. "She wants to study nursing and medicinal stuff, but I think she would be a good author. But she's not going to be an author." why not? also maybe don't use "I". she likes writing, right? maybe she has aside project that is a book.
  23. politics: it's hard to know what none means. maybe say she's impartial or at least would like to not be involved with it.
  24. if it's not in the book, it's not necessary. don't include it!
  25. "the" daughter not "a" daughter, even if there are siblings. (though you can still use 'a' if you word it correctly?? it doesn't sound right though.) anyways, an example: "the daughter of [insert name here], one of [insert number here] siblings."
  26. what do you mean her family was destroyed by every male figure working for the government,, how did it destroy the family?
  27. also explain how the world supposedly needs saving and why she wants to
  28. just say she dropped out after sophomore year, though there aren't any online high schools in the real world unless you make it possible in your world.
  29. the dog. what happens to it? how does she take care of it during her quests or whatever? if she is unable to take care of it, it's probably not necessary. if it's deceased, include that.

again this is all nitpicking and suggestions!! i love her so far, you've done a great job!

Grace

Thank you so much! I really appreciate how hard you were on her! I'm pretty new and I know there are many things I could improve on. Thanks for the feedback!

Deleted user

of course! let me know if you need help with anything else! :))

Caboose

So she's part of the Miracle Elite. So can we be told a little more about that? Is it a military thing or did her and some friends make it up? Also where did they get the name? What kind of combat skills does she have aside from using a bow and guns? Like what tactics does she use? Is she into Guerilla tactics or is she well trained like a solider? So basically how does she conduct herself in the field? Maybe a few more hints into the world you've made could help us understand more. but overall she seems enjoyable. I'm excited to see her, if you get the story off the ground point me in the right direction so I can check i out.