forum Anyone want to critique my comic-relief character/villain.

Started July 06, 2018 by Rory

tune

Well, I see she’s supposed to be a Mary Sue, so I’m not sure how to critique on that front. She’s really over the top, and depending on what you’re working on, that could be hilarious. However, I think you should probably change her name. Keep the initials M.S. to hint at Mary Sue, but the reader should be able to tell that she’s a Mary Sue without you directly saying so.

The only thing I would suggest (and this may be irrelevant depending on how large of a role she plays in the story) would be to add a bit more depth to her personality. Add some more mannerisms and hobbies; what does she do in her free time? She probably doesn't fight and spend time with friends 24/7.
Also: you describe her as amazingly kind and having a perfect personality, but she uses her powers to make people like her- which seems like something an insecure or corrupt person would do. You could explore that a bit more. However, I see that you put her as a side character so if you don't want her to play a huge role and just have her annoying perfection be comic relief then I think she's fine as is. Be careful with her though; since she can literally do everything, it could be difficult to realistically keep her from just using her powers to end the story before the plot can develop.

Oh and maybe change her eye color to purple? I think that pink irises would be a bit creepy to actually encounter (unless she's an albino, but her hair isn't white).

I agree with Bec that having her being called Mary Sue is a little obvious. Typically I've seen that Mary Sues in stories have names like Aquamarie, Lilliadora, Symphony Azalea - you know, really long, over-the-top and sickly sweet names - so maybe you could try something along those lines to be a little more subtle?

Unless your story is satire, I would suggest that you create a reason for why this Mary Sue DOESN'T always use her powers to Deus Ex Machina all the problems, like maybe she only fixes things that affect her (and not the main characters), otherwise there'll be very little suspense to the plot.

I did think she was quite funny, though, especially the backstory. "Then immediately after they were both mysteriously killed by the Darkness or something." Her poor parents!

Her powers are mostly autonomous, just for future reference. She doesn't actually control her powers, things just happen to be in her favour most of the time.