forum Any tips on writing a closeted character? and tips for when they come out later?

Started May 07, 2020 by @aaloo_thinks

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Hey Guys I am trying to write a closeted character. I want to write them realistically with all their struggles and I don't like when characters come out in stories sometimes its treated as a plot twist or a joke. So, any tips on how to do it right?

Tell us more about the character. Like…what do they do, how important are they? I should be able to help you.

What I'm getting right now is…GIVE THEM STRUGGLES! Give them hardships, give them realisticness! Not like "I don't want to clean my room!" Like depression, anxiety, and…Wait. I have a question. Do you like your story?

No, no, don't do that
If depression or anxiety or whatever are legitimately important to the character's development, go ahead. But please do not just give a character mental illnesses for the hell of it. If you really want to put those in particular in, I do have both and could give you insight. But if you're planning on using any mental illness in a story, you need to do extensive research. They're a sensitive topic, and haphazardly throwing them at your character for no particular reason is not the way to go

Yes, I totally agree with Caustic on this one. While LGBT people are proven to have a higher rate of mental illness, they're still something that need to be take incredibly seriously and incredibly gently. Here's my tips, and I'll definitely include some reading at the bottom

• How does their family feel about the LGBT community? Trying to come out, even to a progressive family, is mind-meltingly terrifying. Trust me, I would know. Being non-cishet in a conservative family is enough to drive people over the edge. I've seen it happen.
• How do they feel about the LGBT community? Accepting yourself when you have internalized homo-, trans-, biphobia, etc, it's difficult. Even if they accept the community fully, it's still difficult.
• Remember that your character is essentially going against everything they've been socialized to do. That's stressful.
• LGBT people are at higher risk for mental illness. Don't use it to be pandering, look at the pure numbers. It's staggering. This shapes a person.
• What's their support system like? Do they have one? If they live in a conservative, rural area, chances are that either they'll not have one period, or they'll have an extremely tight-knit group born out of the need to survive. If you're not LGBT yourself, this can be particularly difficult to understand, but LGBT people tend to flock together. There are people whose entire friend group is LGBT, just like there are people whose entire friend group is cishet.
• Are they out to friends? If not, that makes things way more difficult, because then you don't have a support system. As a closeted guy myself, my friend group is a safety net for me. We have literal contingency plans in case someone's coming-out goes poorly. It's a serious fucking matter, and for some people it's literally life or death.
• Your character, first and foremost, is human, with their own likes, dislikes, fears, and flaws. Even if they're a background or side character, don't treat them like a cardboard cutout of a "good" gay or transperson.
  READ THESE. Dear god. Reading is so important when trying to portray a group of people. Most of these are about mental health/illness, but I included The Trevor Project's coming out handbook as well.
• https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/preventing-suicide/facts-about-suicide/ (If you read any of these, read this one. The Trevor Project is a cornerstone in LGBT resources.)
• https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/LGBTQ_MentalHealth_OnePager.pdf (The Human Rights Campaign Foundation is also a great resource)

Feel free to PM me or ask any more questions you might have! I live to try to help and educate people on this sort of stuff!

Being closeted is hard because, at least in my experience before I came out, you can't decide whether or not you want people to know.
And it's different for everybody in your life: For me, I knew right away I wanted my friends to know. But there was a time where I would have rather died than told my mother.
Keep in mind that some people are also totally cool with being closeted. Not everyone figures out their identity and immediately wants to tell everyone.

Despite being cishet myself, one of the things that bothers me most about LGBTQ+ representation in stories is that it is their personality, in a way. Being gay, straight, trans, whatever is not who you are as a person. Sure, it's obviously important, but your personality is not defined by your sexuality. Like, it feels like authors want to be like "Oh, this is my friend John. He's gay" like that's the only notable thing about them? Make sure you develop your character as a person first and foremost. Don't shape their entire being around their sexuality

There's this sense of nervousness that comes with being closeted, because even if you think you're doing a good job acting straight or cis around people, there's always this little voice that goes "but what if you're not?" And even if you do tell only a few people, there's no guarantee that they'll keep my secret. I'm out to only a handful of people irl (none of them are my family members) and I'm even a bit scared of my more conservative former friends finding out.
Also, it'll probably depend on what they are. Are they gay, bi, trans, nonbinary, ace, or aro? Because that will impact the story as well.

I think one of the most important things about writing a lgbt+ character is to not let their sexuality define their personality. Your sexuality shouldn't define who you are and I hate seeing lgbt+ characters have that as their only personality trait.

Another thing is to make sure you're not adding a lgbt+ character just so you can have some representation. It's great if all of your characters are lgbt+ but just remember that straight people still exist.

Also, make sure you know the people surrounding your lgbt+ character really well. For a lot of lgbt+ people, who they come out to and what that persons reaction is, can really affect their entire life. For example, when I came out as bi to my friends, they told me they were fine with it but they just didn't want me to talk about it cause it made them uncomfortable. (Obviously I cut them off cause they were incredibly toxic) but that really affected me cause now even with my new totally accepting straight friends, I never talk about liking girls cause in the back of my mind I still remember what my old friends had told me. You just really need to know how people will react to your character coming out, and how that will affect your character.

I can only tell from my own experience but maybe its worth something.
I feel like i am in a middle zone of being closeted bc in some situations, everyone is open about their sexuality and identity so i feel like i have to/can be open too. But sometimes it becomes uncomfortable bc revealing myself like that feels very unnatural, like i should hide these things about myself as long as i can. I think I have a lot of internalized homofobia and transfobia, where i can't feel proud my sexuality and gender as much as i'm supposed to be. My feelings tells me that if i think that someone might not approve of my identity, think i'm weird, hate me or see me differently if i came out, then it's most important that they still like me and that I am what they want me to be. And it's less important for me to be able to fully live my gender and sexuality.
For the moment i'm struggling with my gender identity a lot. I'm so afraid that all my friends and family will disapprove, ask me questions, think i'm weird, talk behind my back or stop being my friend if they found out what i want what the to acknowledge me as. I wanna be what they think i am and at the same time i wish they saw me as for what i see myself as. So i'm not totally in the closet but thats because a lot of people around me in safe places came out and i just did what they did. But the others? My family member who don't know about my non cis/het identity? i hope they think im straight and cis to the day they die.
Aaaaaaand at the same time i feel like i will never be truly happy in life if i'm not fully honest to myself and the people around me, so i can finally let all this gender anxiety go.

i'm not a native english speaker and probably made a lot of grammar and spelling misstakes. Sorry if this all became irrelevant bc of course this is only my experience, and i have no idea how most people think. This isn't even a tip on how to write a character, sorry. Good luck with your project!

I know this probably isn't helpful but people who are closeted and plan to stay closeted for a while usually never joke about being gay.

Idk tho

Thank you everyone for your responses.