Aelina –
Her blond curls shone in the dim lamplight of the outer
district. It baffled me how even now her features could be this stunning, and
it somehow justified my plan. No one could be that suspiciously perfect.
We rounded the corner and the street, now little more than a
rocky alleyway, took a turn for the worse. Grime crept down the brick walls of
buildings and debris littered the ground. In the distance I could hear the
yowls of fighting cats and screech of black birds.
Natiselle did not even seem to notice the sudden change in
scenery. She continued to titter on about some gown she had seen at the
dressmaker’s and how it was so unfair that her color choices were so limited by
the Pravaci Court. She was utterly unconcerned that we were steadily approaching
some of the worst parts of the city.
Then, as if on cue, a dark figure stepped out of the
shadows. “Two pretty ladies. Bless Archanie. Looks like a win tonight, eh
lads?” I turned around and saw two more ruffians behind us. Something was
terribly wrong. It was only supposed to be Jatil; he had assured me that he
would do it himself. The man in front of us was decidedly not Jatil. He was
much too tall. The bottom of my stomach fell and my hands began to shake as the
full weight of my mistake dawned on me.
Natiselle took a step forward and looked the man up and
down. I wanted nothing more than to yell at her for being a fool but my voice
seemed to have deserted me
“Now, what would you lovely gentlemen want with us?” She
played with the ribbon at the front of her dress as she moved. “Surely it would
be more prudent for you to escort us to our destination and be rewarded
handsomely upon our arrival.” She dared to flutter her eyelashes at them. “Our
purses are much too meager to satisfy the three of you.”
“Hear that? We’re gentlemen now,” the stout one snickered.
“She speaks such pretty words…but oh, how stupid,” the
leader leered. They started to circle us, like predator around prey, like the
hyenas from my books. “You see lovely, a nice clean toss is so hard to find in
the outer parts. There is so much more than your purse to be had.”
“I don’t think I’ve seen such a delicate lady in my life,”
the thin one panted.
The leader cocked his head and looked at Natiselle. “What do
you think lads; I think darkie over here can take two of us.”
“I don’t care as long as I get blondie.”
The air seemed to shift like a cloak falling away, revealing
the world as it truly was. I looked at Natiselle and gone was the frivolous
girl who cared only about her jewels, in her stead was a steely-eyed creature
with a lip curling in rage.
“Wrong thing to say, ‘lads’” Disgust dripped from her voice,
a full octave lower than normal. She pulled at the ribbon she had been fiddling
with and her skirt and petticoats fell away, revealing tightfitting trousers
and flat-soled boots. Somehow she had managed to secure two forearm length
blades and a whip to her thighs. “I can take all three of you.”
My skin crawled as if the claw of death had trailed down the
length of my spine. I could hear the blood rushing to my ears, a throbbing beat
like war drums that drowned out everything else. She sprang into action, and if
I had not been too terrified to move, I would have shielded my eyes. With a
flick, the whip wrapped itself around the main thug’s neck and his eyes bugged
as he clawed at it. The stocky one ran at her and she nimbly slid out of the
way, turning and pulling at her whip in the same motion. He missed her. As he
ran past, she kicked out the back of his knee and sent him sprawling.
“Natiselle, behind you!” I yelped as the last remaining
ruffian approached her back, knife in hand.
She turned at the last moment and drew one of her blades.
She blocked him with her forearm and ducked under his swipe. She let go of her
whip and threw the blade at the leader. It found its mark in his stomach and he
looked down in shock. With a yank he pulled it out and immediately blood
bloomed across his shirt. I could feel the bile rising in my throat.
Natiselle did not even pause. She had pulled out her
remaining blade and was ducking and weaving around each swipe he tried to land.
She danced around him, slicing at any opening–his back, side, cheek. Every cut
she landed caused him to roar with pain or anger.
Suddenly, I could feel a grimy hand at my throat, pulling me
backwards. The stocky one that had fallen, I had forgotten about him. His hot
breath was on my head, smelling of rot, and his sweaty shirt clung to my back.
I could almost feel it through my bodice. A gasp escaped me and Natiselle’s
face whipped to me. Her eyes narrowed as spots danced in my vision and she
raised her hand and her dagger flew through the air. Space seemed to hang still
as it came towards us. My knees buckled, and only his hand was keeping me
upright. Then I could feel wetness in my hair and on my forehead. His grip fell
away and air flooded my lungs.
I turned to look at him and saw the hilt protruding from his
thick neck. My stomach heaved and I fell to all fours. The gravel bit into my
palms, but the stable ground comforted me. I lifted my head and saw Natiselle
behind the last one, her elbow in line with his jaw and her legs wrapped around
his waist. She was clutching one of her fists and looked to be pulling up with
all her might, her teeth gritted in the effort. Her lips were moving, almost as
if she was counting. He clawed at her arm for a moment before pitching forward.
She did not let go for what seemed like an eternity. Finally,
she rolled off of him, her heaving breath was the only sound in the night. She
stumbled to her feet, cleaned her hands on her now filthy trousers, and started
to retrieve her weapons. I watched as she wiped the blood from her blades on
each victim’s clothes before sheathing them again.
“How –” I started, “How did you do that? You met your mark
every time.” She looked at me and I realized my mouth must have been agape. I
dragged my sleeve across it in an effort to remove the bile.
“I was aiming for
their foreheads,” she said, her face flushed but otherwise emotionless. Her
eyes narrowed and my heart sank as if I knew what the next words out of her
mouth would be.
“You knew this was going to happen did you not? This is why
you brought me here.” Her voice was so quiet that fear shot through me. “There
is no ‘delicious dining hall’ in this region is there?”
“I – I did not expect for this–” I stumbled over my words,
“my friend was –”
“To what? Jump out and scare me?”
“I, yes, but –”
“Why?” she spat.
“I was jealous.” It was not until the words left my mouth
that I realized my true motivation. The look in her eyes seemed to turn from
murder to something like pity. To my surprise she offered me a hand. “Are you
not going to kill me?”
“Why? Are you trying to kill me?” she asked, a singular eyebrow quirking up.
“No.”
“Then why in three hells would I kill you?” she cursed.
“I know that you are not what you seem. You are more than
just some lord’s daughter, here to find a wealthy husband.” My voice finally
seemed to find its footing.
“You owe me now, three times over. You are too useful to
dispose of now,” she said, “and I am not an animal. I would never kill an
unarmed man or woman.” She shook her hand at me, “Are you going to stay on the
ground in your own filth?”
I took her hand and she pulled me to my feet. She collected
her skirt and refastened it to her waist, but not before I noticed the cuts on
her arms and legs. “You are hurt!” I exclaimed.
She turned to look at herself. “Hmm, so I am.” Natiselle
looked down at her skirt and swore at the now stained mess they were in. “I
want my clothes mended and laundered by Wednesday.” I nodded vigorously.
Satisfied, she started back the way we came.
A puff of air escaped me and I was overcome with relief. As
the adrenaline left, exhaustion took its place. I followed after her, trying by
best to keep my fatigue at bay. After a while, we made it back to a main
street.
“Let me see your
house gem.” She thrust her hand at me and without a word I pulled the ruby from
its place next to my heart.
She closed her hand
around the golden chain and said, “Follow my lead.” She stumbled toward an
approaching carriage, her fist outstretched with the ruby swinging and
glittering in the lamplight.
I did not need to pretend to be tired, my legs felt like
lead.
“Help!” she cried, managing to be both breathless and loud.
We must have been a sight, Natiselle with her tattered and bloody sleeves and
me with bile and blood in my hair.
The carriage slowed and the alarmed lord and lady peered
out. “Please, we beg your help to the Pravaci District.” The lady looked at her
husband and put a gentle hand on his arm. “House Toulerin will reward you
greatly”.
He nodded and the door swung open.
I sunk into the cushions gratefully and promptly fainted.
Natiselle –
I did not take a full breath until I reached
my chambers. When I finally released my fists and the tension left me, my knees
buckled. My heart threatened to beat out of my chest and I could feel the blood
draining from my cheeks.
With
fumbling fingers, I tugged at the ribbon again and I escaped my skirt. I tried
to work myself out of the corset, but it was much too tight. I could not even
begin to imagine the terror a lady's maid would have at the sight of me. Gods
it was so pretty, the thought of damaging it pained me, but I felt as if it was
constricting my very soul. Before I could change my mind, I dragged my blade
down my back and felt the soft snap of each cord. It fell away from me and my
chest rejoiced. Newly liberated, I made my way to the washroom and began to
wash the blood from my hands.
I made the
mistake of looking into the mounted mirror and immediately I wished that I had
kept my head down. The woman who looked back at me had wild eyes and disheveled
hair. I turned away from myself and focused singularly on my hands. The
vigorous movement shook the porcelain and the water threatened to splash
everywhere. Still I scrubbed. I scrubbed until the soap slipped from my grip
and in an effort to catch it; I knocked the basin to the ground. It shattered
spectacularly and the pink water splashed everywhere. I cursed as I bent down
to pick up the shards.
“What
happened?” I did not need to lift my head to know that Kraio was standing in
the doorway. He came, knelt next to me, and began picking up the shards with
his deft fingers.
“Nothing I
can’t handle.”
“Should I be
worried?” He got up and gingerly placed the pieces on the countertop.
"Your
little plaything is going to be terrified for a while," I managed,
"but there is nothing I could have done about that."
“What
happened?” he asked again.
I spun on
him and snapped, “I do not wish to dwell on it, Kraiotan. Leave me be!”
He seemed to
truly take me in, a wild mess of raw hands and bloody arms.
“How many?”
He already knew.
“Three.”
“What did
they do?” His voice was deathly quiet.
"Threatened
us." My voice quaked and I could not bear to look at him. My hand flew to
my mouth, and I could smell the iron. "They wanted to have their way with
us."
He closed
the distance between us and enveloped me in his arms. “Oh sister, I am so
sorry.” I buried my head in the crook of his shoulder. “I want nothing more
than to kill them.” I could feel the tension coursing through him. “But it
seems you beat me to it.”
“I did not
even know their names.” I hated myself for it, but my voice broke. I so
desperately wanted to be a harsh and unrelenting wave of wrath. But try as I
might, I could not help but think of how I had a family to comfort me. Did
they? “Kraio, I just –” I sobbed, “They probably have loved ones – had, had
loved ones.”
He took a
step away from me and held me at arm’s length. “Nati, listen to me. None of
this is your fault.” I could not face him. “Look at me. They put you in a
position where your life was threatened. You know this. Your head knows this.”
He gently lifted my chin. “They made their choices and you made yours.
Thankfully, you came out on top and you will never find me wishing that you had
not. Even though you drive me mad, the world is better with you in it.”
All I could
do was nod and he pulled me in again, perching his chin on the top of my head.
“And because I know you, I know that you are going to beat yourself up over
feeling remorse.” I clutched on tighter. “You are human, I would worry if you
felt nothing.”
(Maybe? )“Now, draw
yourself a bath and I will send a cleaner team to the alley,” He said as he
released me.
Notes
WriteOutofTime: I LOVE THIS! I really enjoyed the dialogue, the way the tension slowly built, the way she scrubbed at her hands –YES. So good.
TryToDoItWrite: AHH! This is a good follow up scene to the alley scene. It fills in the blanks and explains characters even more!
ReiniDays: The fight scene was great! I loved the action and actually felt really invested in the safety of the characters. Those creeps really grossed me out, which is something you want your readers to feel. I don't really know what the Pravaci Court was, but I did enjoy reading about Natiselle's character. She was so cool!
Riorlyne:
Tension
First of all, you build tension really, really well. That first scene had a very compelling arc (though it perhaps needed a couple more sentences of winding down) and although I knew from my first quick skim that the girls would survive, it didn't feel that way as they fought! I also found Natiselle's emotional reaction to the ordeal realistic and believable - it came across that she was repressing it at first (partially due to her anger with Aelina and the danger they were in, and partially due to upbringing) but when alone and with someone she trusted was able to let go a little.
(Also, I love all forms of wordplay and Nati's "I can take all three of you" comeback was gold.)
Worldbuilding
Again, as I have probably mentioned before, the world of your story feels rich and solid. You've got a great balance here where there's the right amount of detail and nothing comes across as infodumping. There's a reason behind the little details of the setting and the characters, and it shows. I find the scenes easy to picture, and hard to leave behind, so if you do have more when I have time, I want to tumble into this world again.
Filter words/phrases
I noticed quite a few of those in this segment, so I thought I'd point them out. When you don't relay the action to the reader directly but filter it through the character's senses, it can lose some of its impact. Phrases of this kind are "I saw, I heard, she seemed, it looked like". Some of them work, but most of them just slow the action down. If the narrative is told from a first-person perspective, the reader will easily assume that the narrator can see or hear what they're told is going on.
Paragraphing
Just a couple of things: I find that the narrative flows better if a sentence where a character acts is in the same paragraph as the one where they speak, rather than paired with a different character's dialogue. So, instead of this:
"I'm sorry," Jane said. John stared at her.
"No you're not."
This is better:
"I'm sorry," Jane said.
John stared at her. "No you're not."
In the document, I've marked a few places where I think paragraphing would flow better the second way.
Lastly, when you repeat a character's name for the first time in a bit, I find it more helpful as the first mention of that character in a paragraph (and using pronouns afterward, instead of pronouns first and name afterward).
Instead of this:
She fell to the floor. Jane wasn't breathing.
This is better:
Jane fell to the floor. She wasn't breathing.
As always, all of the comments above and in the document are my own opinion; feel free to keep and reject what suits your story. If you have any questions about anything I've said (written), I'm more than happy to clarify what I meant!
Also, avalanche of small suggestions aside, I think this piece is excellent. I'm invested in both characters (yep, even the horribly misguided Aelina) and want to know the rest of their story.
TryToDoItWrite
Wow, a lot going on here, both action and character wise!
I have no clue how these characters a portrayed in scenes leading up to and following after this one, so i've got no way of telling if its consistent or not, but i'll leave my general impressions so you can see if you are showing what you mean to be showing here:
–Aelina has never been involved in action or fighting directly before
–Aelina just meant to embarrass or scare Natiselle
–to what end?
–what did she think would happen afterwards that would benefit herself in anyway besides just getting the pleasure of scaring Nat?
–Natiselle has been trained in combat for a long time
–Natiselle is a good actor
–Natiselle is quick to anger and ruthless when angry
I liked this scene and the action definitely drew me in. I was intrigued by the reason that they were tramping through the dirty alley. The whole transformation from ditzy girl to warrior is always great–it reminds me of black widow from avengers :)
Word of caution: that transformation is a cliche that fantasy/action novels often have, so use it wisely. Give her a good reason to be acting the ditzy part and make sure you don't fall into the trap of making her into a machine when she does "transform." she needs a solid personality besides the two extremes of actor and warrior.
WriteOutofTime
To expound on the cliché transformation: Is Nastille acting when she is charming and bubbly, or is that just one facet of her personality? A way to break that cliché is presenting her as both –the charming lady with a deadly side. Her ditzy façade doesn't have to be a façade, but instead just a part of her complex personality. I think that would make her a very interesting and convincing character. There's no rule that a ditzy, flirty airhead can't be deadly and focused when provoked. Just make sure there are no obvious contradictions and it all makes sense. Other than that, I absolutely adored this section! So good.