Thread Back-Up from Discord for the thread "My Confessional"
Starring: Aerallis Tithiros & Ellen Bailey
Written from: 12/18/2020 - 12/18/2020
Total Word Count: 4,797 words
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Ellen Bailey:
Once in the relative safety of her own home, and left to her own devices, it only takes a few days for Ellen to sort through the conflicted thoughts and emotions running rampant through her head. Filling in notes by hand in a notebook with the same diligence she would use to create a case file. Going about her life as if nothing had happened outside the thoughts documented in those pages.
The normality of the day-to-day is both a comforting relief and somehow a touch of the bizarre. Like the world has shifted on its axis and it all looks the same, but something is off just enough as to be unnatural. Like one piece of the pattern has been turned in the wrong direction. Sometimes you forget, and the pattern all blends together, but when your eyes land on that one misplaced piece it suddenly snaps back into focus and jars from the normal.
The passage of time smooths out some of the rough and jagged memories... but it also fades some of the intensity of feelings. That's scary, for a couple of hours, until she comes to the conclusion that faded or not, the feelings are still there. And have gone as far as to color and fill in the missing pieces of the past. And she's able to calm down again. Come what may, for better or worse, Ellen is in love with her best friend.
Has that come too late...? It's hard to know, and she hasn't yet decided whether she even wants to know.
When Ilosti gave her the disc some weeks back, stating that she should watch it and that she 'deserved to know', Ellen had only set it aside among the box or two of things that had come with her directly from Bear River. The gifts and items that had, up until the event, been all that remained of their short, passionate friendship.
She had pulled those two boxes back out, not long after getting home the next morning, but it wasn't until now - with a glass of wine in hand and having reached the end of a page - that Ellen puts her pen down and settles herself onto the couch with her laptop.
Ilosti had made no allusions as to what was actually on the disc... only it had been among Aera's things and she should watch it. Not with any sort of urgency, just... deserving to know what was on it. Ellen had been confused at the time. Now... she's curious. And a little worried.
She puts the disc into her laptop's disc drive and waits for the media player to auto-run. What is it? A video? Files?
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Aerallis Tithiros:
When the disc loads, the media player expands and the screen turns black for a moment. Then there's color. Aerallis's face was close to the camera, setting it up and making sure that it was on. The lens adjusted once before she pulled away. Red heels clicks across the black crystalline tile of the Black House as she withdrew to a U shaped red leather couch.
She was wearing a black and red dress with a black waist corset and matching boots, hair left down and straight as usual, white ends hanging over her right shoulder. The one she'd been wearing when she and Ellen met. Rather than speak, she reached for a large set of white... Poster boards that had been previously rested face down on the couch.
Behind her, ebony black-out curtains covered the window. The room was lit well enough. End of Time was playing low in the background.
The petite Italian smiled at the camera, turning the large cards around so that they could face the camera while they rested in her lap.
This is entirely directed toward Ellen Bailey. But it's never meant to be viewed by her.
Read the first card, in large black sharpie. She set it beside her, revealing the next.
I have a secret. One that I've kept for what feels like an eternity, that I have to get off of my chest before I lose my mind. More than I have already, I guess.
Then the next card.
For my own safety as well as her own... I can't have her knowing this secret. Aerallis took a deep breath, averting her gaze from the camera as she changed the card after a moment of pause.
Ellen Bailey, she changed to the next card.
I'm in love with your sense of humor, and how you can make my day better even if I wanted to fall apart a minute before. She smiled as she changed cards. I'm in love with your smile and the warmth it gives me as you light up a room. The mage paused between the cards, giving them a moment to sink in before changing.
I'm in love with our inside jokes, which wouldn't be funny with anyone else, and I'll remember days later and laugh until I cry.
I'm in love with your laugh and the butterflies that come with it.
I'm in love with your bleeding heart, and the way that you care so deeply, even for people you've never met.
I'm in love with every moment I get to spend with you... I'm in love with you, Ellen Bailey.
Aerallis lets out a deep breath, smiling softly as she changes the cards, like she's remembering something pleasant.
I've been in love with you for... At least 80% of our friendship. Which feels like a lifetime. You always said that I had everything that I wanted. But that isn't true. The only thing I want more than being a singer, being on stage and seeing the world, is to be with you. But that can never be. I can't tell you. I can't let you know. I don't want to risk our friendship, or my closeness to you. I don't even know if you can love another woman.
I've fantasized about confessing; in the theater room with the Golden Girls on, a bouquet of flowers. Me in this outfit and you in that little black dress. You know the one from your birthday. Wine. The show would be background noise. And I'd tell you everything. About how I want to lay with you under the stars, hand in hand; about how all I can think about is wanting to hold you and kiss you; about how I've longed to truly and completely introduce you to my world. How I would be yours and you would be mine. Our adventures together and what they would be like.
She pauses, looking at something else in the room. Then she exhales deeply, and reaches for the next card, otherwise silent. The song has changed to Love Me Like You Do.
I would risk everything to be with you, the next card reads. She sets it aside and reaches behind her, pulling out a small, spiral shaped glass bottle filled with violet liquid. Aerallis looks at it for a long moment, considering, then reaches for the next card.
But I can't do that with a 'maybe'. I know that you want kids of your own and I won't ask you to cut corners. I could give you everything - a wedding, the house of your dreams and a family - but that. Well. I have another secret, you see.
Aerallis sighs, setting the card aside and reaching for the bottle, pulling off the cork. She glances at the camera and back at it. She looks around, as if making sure that she's not being watched, and then drinks it. All of it. Setting it aside, she reaches behind her again, pulling out another bottle filled with pink liquid. The mage holds up three fingers and counts down...
And when Aera reaches for the next card, the mage looks back at the camera not as a woman, but as a man.
He shows the next card. My sister and I are mages. I'm capable of all kinds of magic, including the creation of potions. The one I just drank, well. With it... I could give you children. We could have a family.
Then he pulls the cork off of the next potion and drinks it, and she's back again. All non-humans are sworn to what's called the Statute of International Secrecy...
The next few cards explain the statute and how it's enforced.
But I would break that, in a heartbeat, to be with you. I'd risk everything, even my own safety, if I thought there was a possibility. Out of everything, the most important thing is that I can't risk losing you. I've realized that you are my weakness. My only weakness.
The mage doesn't look at the camera as she changes cards. When you told me that she visited you at the station, I knew. It was a message. Akasha would use you to get to me... And I won't let her. She lets out a breath. There's tears in her eyes and she wipes them away, frustrated. I love you too much to lose you... It's not fair. She's taken so much from us. I don't want her taking you, too.
Akasha Bloodmare is... an older mage. Almost 700 years old, to be exact. Her magic is ancient, potent. And with age comes connections.
She sighs.
Akasha has a strong relationship with the mafia. And the mafia owned the police department in Bear River. Anything she does is swept under the rug by either the police higher ups or the mafia themselves, keeping lesser officers unaware. I know this because... Someone very close to me is in the mafia.
But she doesn't say who. That part is left out.
She has a big group, too and they're capable of terrible things. We're... outnumbered. Not strong enough to take them on. As much as I wanted to tell you about Akasha, about being watched, about all of it... I know you well enough to know that you'd try to use your job to make things right. Except that wouldn't work. Going against her would probably cost you your job... or worse.
I can't lose you, Ellen. Not... Not like that. I won't take that risk. So I've kept you in the dark. And I'm sorry. It really... isn't fair. She sniffles, wiping her eyes again and moving onto the next card. There's more to our relationship with Akasha. Ilosti... doesn't want me to share it. But I think, at least for this... that I can tell you.
And so, she does. With her words, not the cards. She explains that Akasha kidnapped her and her sister. Explains that she had been born with the name Cathetal and her sister was born as Anahita. She goes into detail about the friends she made, and lost, in Ma'luum and what life was like there. That by itself, Ma'luum was terrible but that Akasha made it a living hell. She details their torture and the torment of her friends, and what they had to do in order to stay alive.
She also mentions that Akasha is married to an ancient vampire named Luvia Bloodmare, a scientist, with an even older mother that's a mage. Lillian Bloodmare, who... Experimented on the sisters. Made them her assistants. Aera explains that under her, and having to live under Akasha's thumb made them different people. And she hated it. By the time they escaped, they weren't the same as they were before.
And they never would be again. Years of therapy, dealing with PTSD and depression afterward and they were still afraid of Akasha - because they knew she was watching. Sometimes, Akasha would interfere with their lives in small ways but other than occasionally showing up to remind them that she was still there, watching, she otherwise left her alone. Because, Aerallis guesses, she was looking for something to hold over them. To use against them, even if that something was other people.
By the end of explaining, Aerallis is sobbing. It's not fair. She goes back to the cards.
I can imagine what you would do, if I'd told you all of this. And I can't... if anything happened to you, I'd...
She sets it aside.
I want you to be happy. I want you to be safe.
She set the card aside, taking another moment to wipe her eyes.
I hope that you find someone who loves you with all of his being. I hope that he worships the ground that you walk on, and gives you flowers whenever he asks you out for date night.
Despite them, she gave a teary smile, sniffling and trying with every bit of strength in her body not to fall apart.
I hope that he never stops asking for date nights, even after having children. Not even after they're grown and out of the house. I hope that he gives you two kids - a girl and a boy - and that your daughter is the spitting image of you.
She wiped her eyes again, changing cards. Don't name her after me. Somehow, the teary smile remained. I hope that you have everything you've ever wanted.
I love you. But I can't be with you. And I will regret not being able to tell you for the rest of my life. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to convince myself that I made the right choice. That's why I'm making this. I need to move past this. For you and for me. For our safety. And to do that... I should spend less time with you. I'm sorry.
I love you. Goodbye, Ellen.
Aerallis was sobbing as she put the last card down, covering her face with her hands until finally, she mustered the strength to stand and make her way over to the camera. The video feed winked out.
What followed were all of the paintings she'd ever made of Ellen, and pictures - ones she'd sneakily or not so sneakily taken - of the two of them to acoustic covers she'd made of their favorite songs. But the last song is a cover she made of Say Something.
The video fades to black, remaining that way for several minutes. Normally at that point, a disc would stop or someone would stop watching it.
But if left to keep going, it does... And the video clicks back on.
It starts with a date.
The date that she'd been recorded to have died on.
She's wearing her stage uniform and her hair is dyed white, but the roots are still black. Still in full stage makeup, like it was after a show. She's in a trailer. And there aren't any cards this time. The mage sets the camera on a counter, letting out a deep breath of air.
"I... I hate this. I hate it." She runs a hand through her hair, averting her gaze from the camera. "Every time I see Camille and Alena laugh, every time I think they need me, I tell myself that I've made the right choice. When I look back at you and I see that she's not shadowing you anymore, I say to myself, 'See? You made the right choice.' But..."
Aera sits. "I'm... I've tried to go on like I never knew you and it- it still-" She forces herself to breathe. "It hurts. My heart is broken, still, after all these months. I have moments of weakness because- because I still love you. I can't unlove you. I can't forget those eyes. I can't unfeel this way, no matter what I try. And to try dealing with it, I'm..."
She bites her lip, shaking her head. "I'm taking advantage of Thora. When I'm with her, I pretend that she's you. And she lets me. It's wrong and I can't... I can't do this anymore. I can't. So I-"
She looks back at the camera. "So I've decided. Tomorrow, I'm going back to you. I-I'm going to find you and apologize. I'll get on my knees. Whatever you want. And I'll... I'll tell you everything. I promise. So... Wait for me, just a little bit longer. Okay, Ellen?"
Saying those words is freeing. She looks happy. Scared. But determined. The mage picks up the camera and smiles. "I'm coming back."
The video cuts out and the media player stops. But she'd never gone back. The chance to do so was taken away before she ever stepped foot on a plane.
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Ellen Bailey:
The media player expands into a full screen view, and the very first sight she is greeted to is Aera's face, close to the camera, setting up the camera, and Ellen's chest immediately begins to ache. The memories are too fresh to be able to fend off the comparisons - here is Aera, alive and well, with color to her skin and without that cold, alien look in her eyes.
When she pulls back the nostalgic ache grows even stronger. Seeing the house again as it once stood, as it should be, and not the stark whites of the castle-homestead. The recognition in the outfit is instantaneous, and Ellen studies her in it with some confusion as she settles herself on the couch and... picks up some cards.
She taps on the touchpad to pause the video as the first card is presented to the screen and looks down at the video controls along the bottom of the video player. Her eyebrows shoot up. Jesus... it's long. Long to be recording a video for someone who isn't meant to see it. Ellen studies the paused image on the screen for a long moment, then takes a drink from her glass and presses play again.
Ten cards in and the 'secret' past Aera decided to reveal... turns out to be a confession. Ellen pauses the video again to take a deep breath and let that process through. 80% of their friendship... had been built on an unrequited love that Ellen had no idea existed. She fidgets with her glass in her hands.
Of course, their friendship had never been normal... it had felt magical from the first moment. There had been comments, especially the longer their friendship went on, but Ellen had believed - and thought Aera had agreed - that they were just comfortable with each other and their friendship was the kind of platonic soulmates others dreamed of.
Ellen has always been a hopeless romantic. Her bookshelves filled with romance authors, mostly in the modern and historical genres. She never outgrew the stories of the knights in shining armor, the happy endings, the Hallmark Christmas special style of fated lovers.
That's why it had hurt so, so terribly when Richard painted for her the most perfect, idyllic movie-worthy romance - he knew the whirlwind romance, the white picket fence, two kids, a house, and the pets was her dream... and he had used it to manipulate and nearly trap her.
He just hadn't counted on the strength of her passion for her career - one she had given up everything for - to break the blinders he had over her eyes.
She had spilled all of that one night to Aera during one of their ladies' nights - how being that close to the happily ever after and having it shattered hadn't done anything to diminish her hope that it did exist. Ellen would find it for herself, out there somewhere, and she wouldn't give up on it.
Aera had been the perfect listening ear, as she usually was, and Ellen had thought - for the thousandth time - how lucky she was Aera had come into her life.
She presses play again. Listens with a lump in her throat and water building in her eyes as Aera paints her a picture of how the world could have been, if only Aera would make a move. Only she knew about Ellen's dream and couldn't risk a confession unless she could be sure. A vial is in her hands, one that Ellen can now guess must be some sort of magic potion - as the recording says she has another secret.
She drinks it. And when she looks back at the camera, the person there is no longer Aera.
Ellen stares. "... Andi?" she whispers to herself. 'He' speaks. Drinks another potion. Becomes Aera again. An overwhelming sensation of horror and disbelief rises in her throat as the Statute is explained, and she has to pause the video, because the information is important but she isn't hearing it. Her ears are buzzing.
Aera was... Andi? The whole time? But...
Of course that night had been wholly strange in general. Aera a no-show to her own dinner. Meeting the handsome stranger who introduced himself as Andi. Ellen had been so sure this was some sort of surprise date, especially when Ilosti was still there with her own someone before wandering off. He was such a gentleman... and there had been a connection there immediately... strong enough that she had made a lot of the first moves, flirting and getting tipsy on wine, and had eventually all but forgotten Aera had abandoned her for the night.
She could have fallen in love that night. They even... she had felt terrible for sleeping with a guy on her best friend's couch, but he had said they were childhood friends and they used protection and kept things clean so she thought it was okay...
That night was a treasured memory, a one night stand for the record books, a star-crossed lover that was never meant to be, as he left the next day and never came back. Until this moment, that is; as Ellen is staring into the depths of her laptop screen, and realizing that she had been lied to.
A deep sense of wretchedness washes over the memory. Why...? Why would Aera have done that...? Why would she change herself into a man and let Ellen come onto him?
Ellen drains her wine glass and gets up to pace. And cry a little bit. And refill her wine glass. Twice. It's about 30 minutes or so before she is able to come back to the video, now on glass #3, and rewinds a little bit to rewatch the part about the Statute. It's the first in-depth explanation she's seen, so she grabs her notebook to make some notes on it.
But this is not the last time she feels terrible. Hardly has the subject moved on before the cards reveal a deep and terrible corruption in Ellen's place of work.
Ellen has to stop the video again, her hands trembling, as Aera sets the cards down as if she's going to speak. She is no stranger to stories of corrupt police officers, corrupted officials... but Bear River? All of the Bear River precinct, in the hands of the mafia, who were in the hands that woman, Akasha...?
It's true, Ellen had been stressed to the point of a near breakdown at the serial killer case, but... how did she not know? How could she not have seen?
They had all been doing the best they could with the investigation... the public was outraged... and until the moment she was called into the sheriff's office to be unceremoniously fired she thought they had all been a united force against the darkness.
Anger licks at the sorrow and disbelief and heartache squeezing her heart in her chest. The recording of Aera says that she's sorry she kept Ellen in the dark, because she was afraid of the blonde's unwavering morality, and that it isn't fair. She's damn right, it wasn't fair. She grimaces, sniffling back the tears that immediately want to fall again, and jots the information down before she presses play again.
She wishes she hadn't.
Aera's voice, lyrical and beautiful as it ever was, begins to recount horrors the likes of which Ellen has never seen. The injustices of a cruel, unforgiving world. She sits through them, as her best friend sobs in the past, and she can do nothing. Nothing but sit and listen. Not even able to reach through the screen to hold her.
She is sobbing herself by the end, burying her face in her hands, unable to stop the shock, disgust, and hatred towards those who hurt Aera and Ilosti rising to the surface.
To stop this kind of madness was the whole reason she became a cop. She gave up her passion and a professional career to try and right the wrongs of evils like this. And Aera had been so sure of Ellen's own beliefs that she... decided she could never be told. For her own safety.
The present Aera - the dead one - had said the same thing. There was nothing and is nothing Ellen could do.
Fury rises past the heartache in her throat. Her sobs are equally out of frustration. Ellen was a cop for 15 years, and now a detective for nearly two. And she is being treated like she is a child. Then and now. Unable to be trusted with even the knowledge of darkness lurking, because ignorance must be bliss, because she can't be trusted to have a rational, adult conversation about feelings, about dangers, about... everything. She must be excluded, to protect the poor, innocent Human.
It's much longer before Ellen can return to the video this time, even though she can tell by the marker it's more than halfway over. Hours pass, and it is much closer to sunrise before she is calm enough to continue to sit through it.
It's with a numb and empty calm that she sits through the wishes for the future, the regrets at having to do this without so much as a goodbye. She's glad to have that detachment as the paintings and pictures are shown, and Aera's voice sings their favorite songs, because she's not sure she could survive another breakdown so soon. The tears still fall but the ache isn't as bad as it could have been.
And then the video goes blank. Only... Ellen can see there is more time left on the video. She clicks to speed the video up, frowning, until a date flashes on screen and she puts it down to normal speed.
Wait, but that's...
The video clicks back on.
Ellen sits back from the laptop screen, confused. She looks like she does now, currently, in this recording, and the date is... the day she died, according to reports. This was tacked on to the end...?
She sits there and watches as the Aera of back then - looking like the Aera of now - explains that it had all been a mistake. That she had tried to tell herself that she made the right choice, and couldn't believe it anymore. And that she had been using Thora to --
Ellen pauses. The horror and disbelief once again shatters that empty calm as her heart squeezes in her chest. Thora... Thora knew... she had also been there that day, the aphrodisiac, but after Aera was dead Thora didn't... and she had come onto her... back in New York...
She had already guessed Thora was magic, because of Bear River, but she had gone on to pretend that she was Ellen, for Aera...? How? Why? Anger boils in her blood and she presses her hands to her chest. At Thora, at Aera, at the situation... just...
The video is nearly over. Ellen lets it play out to the end with shaking hands on the play button. Aera said she was going to come back. But she never did. And the woman who exists now is... a different person. Undead. If the potion hadn't happened... would Ellen still be here, right now?
All of the progress she thought she had made in the last few days towards working through her thoughts and feelings seems... totally undone. And Ellen has never felt more alone. Aera made her promise not to reach out to Ilosti, so she can't even tell her she watched the disc and try to get help from this drowning sensation in her throat.
She grabs her phone, shakily punches in a number, and brings it to her ear. The receptionist answers; she transfers her to her boss without question after hearing the state of Ellen's voice, and her boss gives her what she asks for with little hesitation as she explains there has been a problem with her family back east and she needs some time off. It's a slow season and they're overstaffed now anyway. Cutting overtime hours some would be good for the precinct.
She hangs up and puts her head in her hands. That'll buy her some more time. Get her head together. Get this plan figured out. And try to quiet the anguish burning in her chest.