Love is supposed to be the greatest source of joy so why did I cause me so much pain

I was 17 when I met you, I was just a grubby reclusive kid who couldn't be bothered to comb my hair or wash my clothes, not much was going on in my life I was still trying to get over the death of my parents, I was falling behind in school and being in my sister's shadow sure as hell didn't work, my high school day just blended into one until I met you

You saved my ass or so I thought, I still remembered how felt when I met you, my heart was beating like crazy, my face was flushed, and down there was another story, You seemed like everything I wanted in a man.

Honey blonde curly hair that fell to your shoulders, a perfectly symmetrical face with a chiseled chin, stern hooded eyes that were as blue as the night sky, a rugged tanned body with abs you can skate, and a deep honeyed voice I wanted to whisper sweet nothings in my ear. It was like all my fantasies were combined in a human form, I never had much of a shot with any of the guys in my school, everyone's either straight or closeted since this is Japan after all

Compared to you, I looked like a piece of shit, I was a pale white scrawny boy with messy greasy navy blue hair, my ance was really bad at the time, I bet had a zit when I met you. Yet you still picked me, To think you, a wealthy and kind gentleman such as yourself would fall for me, a loser schoolboy who couldn't even get anything higher than a C

After that it was like you fixed me, I become happier and motivated in life. You helped me with studying. You brought me out of my shell. You gave all I ever wanted and needed. Love

I had all my firsts with you. First kiss. First driving test. First party. First time. First cigarette. First experiment

Experiment, It all changed when that fucking machine came into play. You decided to build the machine and I volunteered as a test subject as the good and supportive boyfriend I was supposed to be, When I volunteered I let you take a peek into my mind and you saw how broken I truly was

My life was a nightmare a few months before I came to my uncle, I was 10, my father killed my sister's tutor and I had to keep that secret inside me for months until I blurted it out, long story short, When when we were stuck in the fire, Dad opted to sacrifice me as everyone would escape, He and Mom got in an argument and before we knew it the cops caught up to us and my father and inadvertently my mom was killed in the aftermath

And I have been alone ever since even I had my sister and uncle I still felt alone, Me and my sister were never close, the death of our parents distances us even more, and my uncle was always kind to me but I always sensed some hesitation in his nature but you still accepted me even after that

Hugging me even after exposing my deepest secret, I was both scared and elated. You know so much about me but I feel I don't know much about you

I never knew much about you except you were rich, charitable, nurturing, and, a college student, I wanted to know more about you but what I found out was less than ideal

The only reason you "loved" me is that I was broken. Compared to you I was some pathetic schoolboy with no future and you seemed to make me feel whole. You made me felt love

That's why I stood by your side even after the fights, even after knowing your real age, even after you keep making me cry because you were all I have

The mistreated I endured from you wasn't that bad. You condescended and talked down to me but at least you weren't berating me. You kissed me and groped me without my consent but you weren't forcing yourself on me.  You grabbed me and pinched me but at least you weren't beating me. After every time I cried you comforted me, it was as if you liked better when I was sad and dependent to you

It was like I was a walking aesthetic board than a person like my depression was a quirky trait that made me "deep" but god forbid it doesn't benefit you like when I wasn't in the mood, had insomnia, headaches, and was generally irritable, then I was just useless to you

It only got worse during the summer where you kept bothering me to stay with you. I was cut off from my growingly worried family. The fights became unbearable, It was like every little thing I did was wrong. As long as I was your dependant little doll you showered me with you anything less ended in a mess of yelling and punching. It got to the point where I had to sneak away to get home and to hide the fact that you were abusing me I made up some shit that I was a delinquent who got in a bunch of fights with thugs

Then came the day I had to run away. I was on my way back to your house when I stopped to see a boy hanging off the edge of a bridge, I helped him up, we talked and looked at the summer triangle. All was fine until you came and beaten the kid's ass. Next time I knew I was being yanked in a car, no matter how much I screamed and cried no one helped. 

The one person that promised to protect me was the one I now need saving from

The rest was a blur. All I remember it was I was crying and yelling as you pinned me down then you unbuttoned my shirt and asked me to spread my legs, I refused over and over but it got to the point where you threatened to beat me. Then my survival instincts kicked in, I bit you and ran out without looking back

I didn't stop until I reached my uncle's apartment, he wasn't there, I dashed in, slammed the door and locked all the locks on the door. Ever since then everything ended like it was some type of nightmare. 

After I left while I am free, why do I feel this nagging feeling of regret and loss? I got rid of you. You can't hurt me anymore and I have my family. Why do I miss you? Am I some sort of masochist? I didn't even tell anyone what happened but like who'd, believe me, I don't fit the standard mold of an abuse victim, if anything I seemed like the douchebag boyfriend

How could I say I'm a survivor when I somehow miss you? The same man who imprisoned me in his home. The same man who treated me like a toy. Am I just some type of golddigger, who was in it for the cash? Did I just rush in this in an attempt to prove that even I can find love? On some days I keep having nightmares of you raping me, on others, I just want to jump back in your arms. Why is that, Am I that much of a victim? Am I just fucked in the head? 

Dad did always say that "Love is a battle." but I never knew you had to battle the person you're in love with.

I guess it's not all that bad. I could've stayed and god knows what would've happened. I bet I would've ended up in your basement with my ankles broken. I'm also moving to a new school, as a way to take my mind off you which seems like a good idea

So in all due respect, Fuck you, and "thanks" for contributing to my already murky view on love