Rogues of War characters

Kado: I have an idea.

Hunter: No murder.

Kado: I no longer have an idea.

Iri: How come when I have fun it's bad?

Mara: Because people die when you have fun.

Kado: There is only one thing worse than a rapist.

Kado: Rips off piece of paper to reveal 'Child'

Mara: A child.

Kado: No-

Bronte: Damn it, I burned my hand!

Kado: You idiot. That’s because you’re not being care-

Bronte: Puts her hand over Kado’s heart

Bronte: Ahh, so nice and cold.

Iskander: Are you decent?

Keran: Morally? No. But I am wearing pants if that's what you mean.

Jorvon: Breathes

Kado: Listen here, you little shit–

Hunter: I am going to need you to swear–

Kado: Fuck.

Hunter: …swear as in promise.

Cinzia: You're gonna hate yourself in the morning if you drink that much.

Kado: Joke's on you, I'm gonna hate myself in the morning no matter what.

Kado: Yes, I make a lot of bad decisions that put me in danger.

Bronte: But?

Kado: No, that's it.

Yves: If the plan goes wrong, where should we regroup?

Moukib: The afterlife, I guess.

Keran: You're meddling with forces you don't understand!

Cerin: Yes. Why would I meddle with forces I do understand? I already know everything they know.

Bronte: Look, Kado, we tried things your way.

Kado: No, we didn't.

Bronte: I did in my head and it didn't work.

Kado: I met some of the most insufferable people. But they also met me.

Jorvon: Based on statistical evidence, I'm immortal.

Lux: How so?

Jorvon: I haven't died yet.

Lux: That's not how it works!

Keran: Kado is my enemy. But it turns out that Kado is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So, Kado is actually my friend.

Jorvon: I'm feeling aggressive.

Jorvon: I am compelled to do something scandalous and illegal.

Mara: Kado is at that special age where he has only one thing on his mind.

Iri: Sex?

Mara: Homicide.

Eryx: You know that can kill you right?

Thana, downing six espresso shots in one go: Uh, yeah.

Jorvon, smoking a cigarette: That's the point.

Kado, drinking bourbon straight from the bottle: We're trying to speed this up.

Moukib, eating raw cookie dough: nodding

Jorvon: So…. are you seeing someone?

Kado: No, why?

Jorvon: I don't know, I just think a therapist or something could really help, y'know?

Freya, holding up a bottle: Is this whiskey or perfume?

Kado: takes it and chugs the entire bottle

Kado: It's perfume.

Jorvon: We’ve all got our weaknesses

Jorvon: I personally, am tragically funny and good-looking.

Kado: Could you at least smile? It'll make me less nervous.

Moukib: *awkward forced smile*

Kado: Okay, that did not help.

Kado: *falls*

Kado: I suppose I’ll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.

Freya: If a guy calls you "princess" in a condescending manner, assert your newly appointed royal status and have him beheaded.

Jorvon: I accidentally drank Kado’s whiskey. How long do you think I have left to live?

Moukib: Ten.

Jorvon: Huh?

Kado, from behind: Nine.

Jorvon: Good morning! The gods have let me live another day and I’m about to make it everyone’s problem.

Hunter: We can't be friends anymore. When we get together, bad things happen and people get hurt.

Kado: Yeah, but that's the point! It's funny!

Bronte: You're a horrible person.

Kado: I know. It helps me sleep at night.

Hunter: Kado, wake up!

Kado: I'm not sleeping, I'm dead. Leave flowers and get out.

Kado: I would never do that. That's against my moral compass.

Bronte: Your moral compass is a fucking roulette wheel!

Lux: Remember, the path to inner peace begins with four simple words.

Lux: Now repeat after me.

Lux: "Not my fucking problem."

Yrrga: We need a plan. How long can you hold your breath?

Keran: I don't know, a minute?

Yrrga: Not long enough. Are you familiar with the technique "slam and cram"?

Keran: No, and I don't think I want to be.

Yrrga: …How attached are you to your pinky?

Keran: Very, very, very much attached, and for the record, I will not be going through with any plan with any vaguely terrifying question.

Lux: There are seven chairs and ten kids. What do you do?

Hunter: Have everyone stand.

Bronte: Bring three more chairs.

Kado: The best seven of the lot can sit down.

Jorvon: Kill three.

Thana: Hold on, let me overthink it.

Kado: You always ask me why I hurt people. Never what’s hurting me.

Eryx: Kado, you just stabbed Jorvon!

Mara: Where are you going?

Iri: Either to get ice cream or commit a felony. I’ll decide on the way.

Bronte: Okay for security purposes I'm going to pretend to be a robber.

Bronte: Give me all your money if you want to live.

Kado: Bold of you to assume I have money.

Thana: Bold of you to assume I want to live.

Moukib: Bold of you to assume you could kill me.

Thana: walking by

Cinzia: glance

Makena: glance

Vesryn: glance

Thana: walks faster

Thana: DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M NOT IMPORTANT.

Zora: You're not even listening to me.

Kado: No, I heard you, you said a bunch of words.

Bronte: You don't think I can fight because I'm a girl.

Zora: I don't think you can fight because you're wearing a wedding dress. For what it's worth, I don't think Kado could fight in that dress either.

Kado: Perhaps not. But I would make a radiant bride.

Freya: I like that we say "oh, man" to express disappointment. Because men are disappointing.

Keran: I really want to kiss you.

Kado: What?

Keran: I said if you die, I won't miss you.

Jorvon: Were you dropped on your head as a kid?

Thana: Bold of you to assume I was held.

Hunter: Name a way to be nice to others.

Keran: Don’t stab them.

Hunter: Setting the bar a little low but I’ll allow it.

Eryx: Are you travelling for business or pleasure?

Bronte: Combat.

Hunter: Eryx, are you ok? You look anxious

Eryx: Yeah, it’s the anxiety.

Chrynn: Hey, Mara, do you know if this snake is poisonous?

Mara: No, not poisonous at all.

Chrynn: picks up the snake, gets bitten, collapses

Mara, calmly: It is, however, venomous.

Kado: Listen, I know we have this unspoken rivalry-

Jorvon: It's not a rivalry, you just hate me for no reason.

Jorvon: And it's not unspoken, you talk about it all the time.

Bronte: Look's like Kado’s back on his bullshit.

Kado: Back on my bullshit? Oh no! I'm on an entirely new level.

Kado: I have T R A N S C E N D E D to a plane of absolute fuckery that you mere mortals can only dream of.

Eryx: I love sleep.

Eryx: It’s like dying but with breakfast at the end.

Thana: How the fuck do people just stay motivated their entire lives? What drives you? I got out of bed once and I've been exhausted ever since.

Kado: You need to learn to hate life to the point where you want to get revenge on existence itself

Moukib: Shoutout to my favourite coping mechanism, isolation

Bronte: You've got this!

Eryx: I absolutely do not.

Bronte: I kind of did something stupid and I need your advice but I don't want any judgment or criticism.

Kado: And you came to me?

Zora: I'm going to ask you to be respectful.

Kado: I will politely decline.

Mara: Accept your flaws, you'll feel better. It worked for me.

Keran: You accepted your flaws?

Mara: No, I accepted yours.

Bronte: I miss Hunter.

Jorvon: Well, you still have me.

Bronte: It's not the same. I can talk to Hunter about things that I can't talk to you about.

Jorvon: Like what?

Bronte: Like all the annoying things you do.

Bronte: Hey, Moukib, what's up?

Moukib: Well… I'm sitting in a pool of blood.

Bronte: Is it… your own?

Moukib: Oh, yeah probably.

Bronte: Where is it coming from?

Moukib: Probably the stab wound.

Bronte: You've been staBBED?!

Moukib: Oh, yeah definitely.

Hunter: There will come a time when you have a chance to do the right thing!

Thana: I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.

Hunter: Strangers are just friends you haven't met yet.

Kado: Friends are just enemies who haven't betrayed you yet.

Kado: There are three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Kado Way.

Hunter: Isn't that the wrong way?

Kado: Yeah, but faster.

Kado: Wow, the stars sure are beautiful tonight.

Freya: I know.

Kado: You know who else is beautiful?

Freya, blushing: Who?

Kado: Me.

Zora: We're facing an enemy we don't know and technology we don't understand. This isn't the time to be asking questions.

Moukib: Really sounds like it is.

Keran: I'm sure wherever Iri is right now, he's looking down at us.

Chrynn: Iri is dead?!

Keiran: No, just very condescending.

Kado: I take orders from just one person. Me.

Hunter: It's a wonder you're still alive.

Lux: If you're offered $1,000,000, but if you accept it, the person you hate the most in this world gets $2,000,000; would you take it?

Eryx: Yeah

Lux: Why?

Eryx: Why wouldn't I want $3,000,000?

Lux:

Lux: Jesus, Eryx.

Kado: [exists]

Jorvon: Well, mark me down as scared AND horny

Jorvon: They call me coffee ‘cause I grind so fine.

Bronte: Oh my god.

Kado: They call me coffee because I keep you up past 2 am.

Bronte: Ew stop.

Moukib: They call me coffee because I’m really bitter and people don’t like me without changing some aspect of who I am.

Bronte: …Oh.

Zora: [intensely staring at Eilis]

Hunter: Is she okay?

Bronte: She hasn’t blinked in like half an hour.

Bronte: But- Zora said there were no stupid questions!

Kado: Well, she lied to you.

Kado: I win

Keran:…I have you pinned on the floor?

Kado: I know

Keran:

Bronte: It's three against one.

Iri, manically: It's three against ME!

Hunter: Why are you smiling?

Kado: What? Can't I just be happy?

Lux: Moukib tripped and fell in the parking lot.

Mara: I want to change the world.

Kado: For the better?

Mara:

Kado: Mara?

Kado: Answer me, Mara.

Eryx: Does Kado think in Senkrenese or in Craision?

Zora: How foolish of you to believe that Kado thinks-

Iskander: Are you two friends?

Chrynn: Yes.

Keran, at the same time: No.

Eryx: Sorry If I'm not your cup of tea. I'm not even my own cup of tea. I'm barely a cup and I don't like tea. I'm more like a rusty bucket of haunted bog water. Sorry if I'm not your rusty bucket of haunted bog water.

Kado: I just don't understand why this doesn't make you completely insane!

Zora: Because then there'd be two crazy people in this conversation, and we'd never accomplish anything.

Eryx: *6am, opens eyes* I can't wait to go to bed tonight

Amaris: How dare you mock me in such a manner!

Moukib: Well, how would you like me to mock you then? I take requests.

Jorvon: Don't you hate it when you're wrong?

Moukib: I dunno. I've never been wrong.

Moukib: Your awkwardness bonds you for life.

Bronte, at Kado’s funeral with Moukib: Can we have a moment with him?

The Priest: Of course.

Moukib, leaning over Kado’s coffin: Now listen, I know you're not dead.

Kado: Yeah no shit.

Kado: Do you have two tongues in your mouth?

Keran: Huh? No?

Kado: Do you want to?

Keran: What?

Kado: What?

Thana: Ma~aan blowjobs are a mouthful!

Kado: That pun was hard to swallow, huh?

Eryx: penis

Thana: Thank you for your contribution.

Lux: What goes up and never comes down?

Zora: The stupidity of this team.

Thana: I have a lot of beef with the concept of dust. Absolutely no reason for something to get dirty just because nothing has touched it. Bullshit.

Mara: What is this?

Iri: It's my to-do list.

Mara: Oh? That's great I'm so glad you're starting to be more orga-

Mara: This just says “Mara.”

Bronte: As a warrior in training, I don't believe senseless violence is how my mentors would want me to solve things.

Kado: [in the distance] RIP HIS HEAD OFF!!!!

Moukib: Your existence is confusing.

Kado: How so?

Moukib: Your presence is annoying but the thought of anything bad happening to you upsets me.

Bronte: What are you writing?

Zora: Well, the general wants to know what kind of weaponry we keep at the base. I’m just letting them know that that's private information.

Bronte: …

Bronte: This just says "fuck around and find out."

Zora: Mhm :)

Cerin, about Chrynn: I'm sorry, can you make him stop doing that weird thing with his face?

Keran: Crying?

Hunter: You just have to spread positive vibes to be nice. Here, watch:

Hunter: [to Lux] Hey, have a nice day!

Lux: Thanks, Hunter!

Hunter: Now you try it.

Moukib: [to Lux] Enjoy your next 24 hours.

Hunter: Oh my god no-

Moukib: How much time did you spend on this hm?

Iri: Irrelevant. I would spend any amount of time to properly shame you.

Bronte: You're fine. You didn't get hurt.

Eryx: Well, I'm not going to just wait around until I do.

Eryx: *Turns around and slams into a wall*

Mara, very unconvincingly: I love emotions. I have them all the time.

Jorvon: We have fun, don't we Eryx?

Eryx: I've never been more stressed out in my life.

Cerin: Ugh, what's that horrible sound?

Mara: Children laughing?

Jorvon: Sometimes I think I'm better than everyone else, and then I remember I am.

Iri: You’re stupid

Keran: …….That’s it?

Iri: Give it time. It’ll eat at you.

[five hours later, eating dinner with Yrrga]

Keran: Am I stupid?

Yrrga: Yeah, a little bit

Hunter: What the hell is wrong with you?!

Kado: I have this weird self-esteem issue where I hate myself but still think I'm better than almost everyone else

Bronte: 50 bucks says she doesn't approve of this mission.

Zora: [storms in] I DoNt ApPrOvE oF tHiS mIsSiOn

Mara: I'm sorry.

Cerin, narrating: Mara was not sorry.

Keran: Did you kill this woman?

Iri: No. I set her on fire. The fire killed her.

Keran: SEMANTICS BLAIKE.

Zora: Can you tell me why the fuck you're late to the meeting?

Moukib: Someone told me to go to hell.

Moukib: At first, I couldn't find it.

Moukib: But now I'm here.

Bronte: Damn, I fucked up again.

The gods, narrating: She said, with surprise in her voice, for whatever reason.

(something blows up)

Keran: Blaike, what did you do?!

Iri: My best.

Kado: Girls are hot.

Kado: Guys are hot.

Kado: You're hot.

Kado: I'm hot.

Kado: Why is everyone so hot?

Moukib: Firestorms.

Hunter: Did you have to stab him?

Kado: You weren't there. You didn't hear what he said to me.

Hunter: What did he say?

Kado: 'What are you gonna do? Stab me?'

Bronte: That's fair.

Hunter: ha ha N O

Eryx: I can't take waiting around like this! It's nerve wracking. My nerves are wracked, they're severely wracked.

Kado: I could knock you out and wake you up when it's over.

Thana: I hate to say I told you so.

Thana: Wait, no. That felt pretty good.

Jorvon: Oh, I never brag.

Thana: You once called your face "proof of the gods' existence”.

Zora: I spy with my little eye, someone that needs to shut the fuck up!

Jorvon: Oo oo! Is it me?

Zora, through grit teeth: It’s always you.

Eryx: I want to sleep for like 40 hours.

Hunter: You know that's a coma?

Eryx: God that sounds so refreshing, I could totally go for a light coma right now.

Bronte: Stop it! Do you want me to never talk to you again?!

Jorvon:

Bronte: What?

Jorvon: Hang on, I'm considering.

Kado, writing to Mara: I hope this letter finds you before I do

Eryx: Sure showed those guys huh?

Eryx: Did you see how uncomfortable they got when I started crying

Chrynn: Okay, so when someone says something cool, just say lit.

Keran: Got it.

[later]

Kado: Hey, I've been meaning to tell you this for a long time… I think I'm in love with you.

Keran, panicking: Lit

Hunter: Remember when we didn't solve all our problems with attempted murder?

Kado: Stop romanticising the past.

Zora: Where are you going?

Kado: Home! I need to reevaluate my life choices.

Zora: Well okay, but if you're planning on turning evil again, please give us a heads up this time.

Bronte: Why is life so hard?

Kado: Don't worry, I know that this all seems unfair now. But someday when you're older and wiser, you'll be able to look back on all this…

Kado: And get revenge.

Bronte: Never have I ever had a crush on Kado Dortorres

Kado: What?

Jorvon: slams back shot proudly

Freya: rolls eyes and downs drink neatly

Keran: turns bright red and throws back drink like no one will notice if he does it quickly enough

Kado: WHAT?

Hunter, Thana, Eryx and Bronte: laugh like hyenas

Moukib: You are supposed to bang your fist against mine.

Eryx: Why?

Moukib: I'm told it is a widely accepted gesture of mutual success.

Jorvon: It's fun when you two try to impersonate normal people.

Zora: I don’t have the energy for this.

Hunter: For what?

Zora: [gestures vaguely]

Thana: Having something to take care for can improve one’s mental health.

Zora: Like a kid?

Thana:

Thana: Yeah, but I was thinking more like a plant or—

Zora: I already have you, Bronte, Jorvon, and Kado, and I don’t see how it’s improving my mental health in any way.

Lux: Be nice!

Kado: I am.

Lux: You just threatened Moukib with a knife!

Kado: Yeah, but I didn't stab him.

Zora: You three are being sent out on a mission. Make sure it's successful, you guys haven't had the best winning streak this last month, so come up with a new strategy.

Hunter: We could stay sober?

Jorvon: No, we tried that once.

Kado: And it SUCKED.

Mara: There's a fine line between genius and crazy.

Mara: I like to use that line as a jump rope.

Thana: So is this thing between Kado and Keran supposed to be a secret?

Hunter: Hardly. The only people who don't know Kado loves Keran, are Kado and Keran.

Hunter: You were happy once, you know.

Kado: I was never happy. I was just less pissed off.

Thana, to Lux: Aren't you tired of being nice? Don't you just want to go apeshit?

Yrrga: You think you're smarter than everyone else

Mara: I don't think I'm smarter than everyone else. I know I am

Zora: This was almost a great idea

Jorvon: You just described 90% of our stuff

Eryx: Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way

Kado: So today it snowed for the first time this year and I've naturally been drunk all day and didn't know so I went to take out the garbage in bare feet and stepped in an inch of snow and I just yelled "what the fUCK" and I just heard Zora from somewhere go "oh my god he's outside"

Jorvon: Must you always attack me with words?

Moukib: Should I use rocks?

Thana: Maybe the real treasure was the friends we made along the way.

Thana, pointing to Jorvon: Also this rat we found.

Zora: You are without a doubt the worst rotori I've ever heard of.

Kado:

Kado: But you have heard of me.

Freya: So you’ll do it?

Kado: Yeah man I’ll kill him.

Freya: For how much?

Kado: Let’s say thirty.

Freya: Thirty grand?

Kado: Spits out water

Lux, opening a fortune cookie: If you kill a killer, the number of killers in the world remains the same

Thana, mouth full of food: Kill two

Kado, drinking: Kill ten

Hunter: Kill all of them

Mara: Terrible things happen to good people every day. Consequentially, I am not one of the good people, I'm one of the terrible things.

Keran: I’m feeling a little judged again

Iri: It’s probably because I’m judging you

Mara: It’s probably because we’re all judging you

Zora: I didn’t ask for the attitude.

Kado: I know. It’s on the house.

Bronte: Hey, uh, maybe we need Moukib’s help for this one?

Kado: I would literally rather die.

Mara: I have the sharpest memory. Name one time I forgot something.

Chrynn: You left me in the market square like three weeks ago.

Mara: I did that on purpose, try again.

Bronte: Eryx, did you know that "thot" means "thoughtful person"?

Eryx: Really? I did not know this modern slang.

[later]

Eryx: Thank you for helping me with the tents, Hunter. You're such a thot.

Hunter, wheezing: I'm a WHAT?

Hunter: Where have you been?

Kado, arriving in Craisio again after 2 years: Emotional hell.

Kado: Be the villain you were born to be. Stop waiting for someone to come along and corrupt you. Succumb to the darkness yourself.

Lux: …That was weirdly motivating.

Lux: Aren't birds just air fish?

Bronte: It's 3 am.

Kado: Have you ever read something so explicit that you felt like you need to go to a temple and stay there for a year?

Jorvon: Show it to me.

Iri: Your strongest versus our strongest

Kado: How about your idiot versus our idiot

Iri: Deal! Keran, get in there

Keran: Hey! Fuck you man

Kado: Jorvon?

Jorvon: Eyyyy alright let's get this party started

Thana: You wanna see how hardcore I am?

Thana: Punches a wall

Thana: Take me to the hospital

Zora: People ask me how I handle my troops so easily

Zora: The truth is I don’t. I have no control over them. I walked into the camp today and Jorvon shot me in the neck with a practice bow

Zora, to the gang: I would like to offer a toast

Zora, raising her glass: I cannot believe we have already gone through another 12 months of absolute fuckery

Zora: Cheers!

Kado: You tricked me.

Iri: I deceived you. “Tricked" makes it sound like we have a playful relationship

Freya: What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?

Mara: Through the third and fourth rib.

Freya: Thanks

Kado: ???

Thana: Perhaps you could talk to the healer and she could give you something to ease your…

Moukib: I am not mad, Thana. I've just been in a very bad mood for eternity.

Keran: I think I’m in love with Kado.

Mara: Congratulations. You’re officially the last one to know.

Kado: Moukib, what are you doing here? Weren't you making spaghetti tacos with Eryx?

Moukib: Well, I was.

Kado: …was?

Moukib: Well, I- it was just getting hot downstairs because of the fire.

Kado: THE WHAT?!

(Downstairs, the kitchen is completely on fire)

Eryx, looking around: Oh, this isn't good.

Bronte, walking in wearing new armour: How do I look?

Kado: Holy shit that’s the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen.

Bronte: Excuse you?!

Kado: No not you, the thing sitting beside you.

Jorvon: Fuck you.

Jorvon, trying to flirt with Kado: So Kado, do you think I’m a top or bottom?

Kado: I think you’re a waste of oxygen.

Kado: Now get the fuck away from me you chemical-bathed rat.

Chrynn: I will cry.

Iri:

Chrynn: You're going to make me cry-

Iri: Fucking sob bitch

Chrynn: I did a bad thing…

Mara: Does it affect me?

Chrynn: No-

Mara: Then suffer in silence.

Bronte: The best part of an Oreo is the black cookie part and not the frosting. Deal with it.

Moukib: Darkness without light is an abyss, light without darkness is blinding. You cannot have a coin with one side.

Jorvon: Yo Socrates, it’s a fucking cookie

Kado: Jesus, it's cold in here-

Eryx: Just like my heart.

Kado: Now is not the time to debate about which one of us is more dead inside.

Jorvon: If you were to die, what would your last words be?

Moukib: Finally.

Thana: No-

Bronte: I have no parental figure telling me not to wrestle bears.

Hunter: It’s me, I am that figure. I am telling you now: do not wrestle bears.

Thana: Hoo boy, I am not having a good time right now.

Eryx: It's kinda dark over here, ahaaahh…

Hunter: Yup.

Eryx: I'm not scared or anything like that! That would be pathetic…

Hunter:

Eryx:

Hunter: Want me to hold your hand?

Eryx: Yes please.

Bronte, innocently: Lux, are you a boy or a girl?

Lux: I'm an eltra

Bronte: Yes, but what's between your legs?

Lux: On a good day, Vesryn

Bronte, face beat red: nEVERMIND

Thana and Kado: exchange bets in the background

Keran: You’re insane!

Mara: Thank goodness for that because if I wasn’t this would probably never work.

Thana: You think kindness doesn’t exist, you pathetic nihilist? How about you go look into the big beautiful eyes of a cow? What do you think now asshole

Kado: Why are you looking at me through a fork?

Lux: I'm pretending you're in jail.

Kado: Why?

Lux: It's spiritually healing.